I’ve just been telling someone in my DMs about my most awkward date story, and I’ve decided that it’s too funny not to share with the whole of Twitter, so here comes a thread of the time I ruined my entire life by lying about food.

Backstory: when I was younger, we were at the aquarium and I asked my brother why the fish look sad and he told me that it’s because we ate his family for tea.

So that was me not eating fish anymore.

Fast forward many years and I go on a few dates with some incredible guy. Like I am PUNCHING. It’s date three and he tells me he’s gonna cook for us in his place. Nobody has ever cooked for me before so I am sold. I am ready to be anything he wants me to be and more.

I agree to let him cook whatever he wants. So he’s like fish? And because I’m trying to impress, and I don’t want to be awkward I’m all ‘mmmmm fish yes I love fish! How did you know!? We are meant to be!’

I arrive for date number three, and I can smell the fish wafting through his place but I’m like ‘it’s cool I can eat this it’s only fish’

Reader: he made homemade fish and chips and to be fair to him, it was some seriously good effort.

We then drink wine and this is the moment we are going to have sex for the first time, so we jump into bed and I get hit with this wave of ‘Oh no, I’m going to be sick’ so i’m tell him I’m going for a wee, run to his bathroom and start violently throwing up.

He hears me and comes running to my aid, patting my head and letting me be sick. He gets me water and he sits with me as I’m throwing up this incredible homemade meal like it’s nothing.

I eventually stop being sick and we lay there - still naked in his bathroom - laughing as I tell him why I don’t like fish and that ate it just to impress him.

He makes me laugh that much that I throw up again....all over his naked body.

He text me last week and asked if I remembered the time I threw up on his manhood so I’m glad he can see the funny side of it whilst I keep myself awake at night mortified.