I just ran some errands during my lunch break and I felt the sun on my skin and it almost made me cry because I miss being outside so much.

So... here is an honest, hopefully reassuring thread on how it's fucking okay if you're barely holding it together.

Here is the thing... I'm really privileged to be able to work from home and have a company that cares for my safety and a nice apartment and all these things are really lucky.

I live alone which comes with challenges. Not living alone comes with challenges too.

Every single person and source telling you that you need to be productive can fuck off right now.

This pandemic is exposing every ugly truth about a capitalist society and its obsession with the means of production and you do not need to bow to it.

I thought I'd be bored but honestly? I'm not bored, I'm hugely mentally and socially under-stimulated while dealing with the collective trauma that is worrying about this country, my family, my friends, people's income, my health and the fact what even going "back" looks like.

I desperately want to go to work again and see people - but at the same time I feel like I'm going to lose my mind if nothing changes as a result of this. The duality of wanting to go back to normal and not wanting things to just be the same is mind-numbing.

I feel like I have no capacity for anything while also being under-stimulated and wanting to feel productive to distract myself from the fear and the anger.

If you're barely holding it together: You are okay and don't blame yourself. This is not normal.

If helping sew masks makes you feel better, do so.
If you can only muster enough energy to make lunch for your kids, that's fine too.
Literally whatever you need to do is fine, there is no blueprint and we have no protocol for how to deal with large-scale trauma like this.

I know I post a lot about the good sides but yesterday alone I cried 3 times. I have the privilege to work from home but my productivity levels are LOW. Very low.
Uncertainty is impossibly hard to deal with. Only take one day at a time and don't let anybody tell you what's right.

Whatever gets you through another day and keeps others safe is okay to do. If your kids play video games all day, that's fine. If you don't cook the most healthy food for yourself, that's fine.

We're making this up as we go. I'm sending all my love to all of you <3