Alright y’all. I’m at work and there hasn’t been a customer in hours... so. I’m gonna watch the cats movie, start to finish.
I know quite literally nothing about the musical other than it’s about cats. May also be sliiiiightly stoned. (Or more than slightly.) Alrighty.

Okay already loving the set design. Also fun fact, Egyptians really didn’t like cats more than dogs. They used to name their dogs human names but they just called cats... cats
And oh my fucking GOD it’s starting and I can’t deal with the oddly erotic fur people crawling??

This is just going to be 2 hours of people in fur costumes licking things and crawling isn’t it. Oh, and singing. There’s singing.

Oh don’t look into the camera. Please don’t look directly into the camera. Why are there cats with more diamonds than the average human?
I just feel like asking why about everything I’m seeing??

The fuck is a Jellacle? Jellicle? Magical jello?

Quick someone send me a gif of a real cat, I’m already forgetting what they look like... THE CATS HAVE KNEES. CATS SHOULD NOT HAVE KNEES.

Do they really have an entire song picking her apart because her name is Victoria. Cats are superficial bastards confirmed.

Um. Are all of these cats basically singing about how they want to die? Is that the plot?

Aaaaaaand there’s rebel wilson. And children’s faces CGI’d onto mice... This is more disturbing than any Saw movie ever created.

Of course there’s dancing cockroaches. Why wouldn’t there be dancing cockroaches?
Oh hello Jason Derulo with an accent for some reason. Also he’s wearing a fur suit... is that the equivalent to wearing a skin suit because??

There is a whole lot of hip thrusting for a cat musical...
And that milk licking is just making me all sorts of uncomfortable....
I’m about 20 minutes in and I swear to god NOTHING HAS HAPPENED YET

Oh Jennifer. You siiiiiiiiiiing girl... I don’t know what you’re singing about but, you siiiiiiiiing about it Glamour cat

Oh fucking James Corden. Why does he have to be in everything.

I mean Macavity is a pretty badass name... Is that Idris Elba? I mean he’s the only one excused for wearing a fur coat.

I never thought I’d see Sir Ian Say “meow” while Taylor Swift descends from the heavens and all the cat human hybrids dance their horny dance.
And still I ask the question... WHY? WHO IS THIS FOR? WHAT IS THE PLOT?

The eyebrows. Who decided to give them eyebrows. Just who. I feel for the VFX team man, I don’t even know how I would animate them- everything just seems so wrong. So... so so so morally wrong lol

Not gonna lie, the songs aren’t bad... But on a scale of musicals, for me this one’s hanging about as low as... I don’t even know. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a musical this bad?

Okay, no offense to Idris, but Jason Derulo should’ve played Macavity. There’s no one better at saying one’s name than jAAAAASoNN DeRUULOOOOO

We are more than 2/3 the way through the film and they’re STILL INTRODUCING CHARACTERS I NEITHER CARE FOR NOR CAN REMEMBER THEIR NAMES. WHO IS THE RAILWAY CAT AND WHY SHOULD I CARE?! WHY AM I STILL WATCHING THIS CATASTROPHE

Aaaaaaand Tay is here with the catnip. And she also has an accent for some reason?? Taylor why are you trying to get all the cats high. Also, who constructed her catnip spouting moon? I wanna see the cat engineers in overalls trying to figure out how the hell that would work

So there’s magicians, pirates, the concept of clothes, and magic... And still, somehow...
Not one of them can magically conjure up a plot other than a bunch of cats wanting to die?

Dame Dench and Jennifer Hudson snuggling after she announced she’s going to die after a magical number about memories seems.... I don’t know. Am I supposed to be happy for her?? Why can’t she jellacle live?