i wanna talk about mental health and share about what's going for me and just have a convo about it rn because i'm seeing a lot of folks talking about being depressed and not doing well and i feel like it makes me feel better when i read what's going on for other folks?(a thread)

so if you've been reading my tweets this weekend you know that i'm dealing with some Big Depression at the moment. the moment was kicked off on Friday night at about 3am because i just thought about how i wanted to hold someone's hand and i started crying.

and then i fell asleep and woke up the next morning and just... kept crying. and cried all day. to the point where i wasn't actively thinking about something upsetting, i was just crying. like leaking from my eyes and it. would. not. stop. my face STILL HURTS.

i had a movie date and it was very sweet but this is also how i lowkey cried through national treasure, which is kinda funny. i also haven't been in this kinda state since dating this person and i was kinda scared because like ... i am scared of Being Scary.

which is a huge thing for me, and i think other Indigenous (and BIPOC folks), and fat folks. i have been dealing with intense depressive episodes since i was a kid. and this in the entire scope of my mental health is sometimes really hard to show so i 'suffer silently' a lot.

when i was in university, i was the most depressed i have ever been (besides the Great 2016 Depression) and i told absolutely no one. from being suicidal in my second year to barely being able to get out of bed in my fourth year. this impacted my school work and relationships.

but i didn't tell anyone because I didn't want to be Scary. it's hard to feel safe to express and be open about mental health struggles because they're painted in SUCH a specific way culturally and through media.

i think a lot of people don't know that i deal with some really intense mental health things because i have worked very hard to cultivate an appearance that I Have My Shit Together. and i do have my shit together, but like it's shaky at best sometimes and sometimes i really don't

and creating this appearance of Having ur Shit Together Even Though You're Struggling and Seriously Need Help is something i see A LOT of marginalized folks do, because at the end of the day, we aren't given the same care as others.

so you learn, quickly, when you're not a cared for body, to fix it urself and put on a face so no one knows what's going on. because vulnerability can feel like danger, asking for help feels like a burden on others, and you don't have the option to not just keep going.

so i have forced myself to push through. at my most depressed i was my most productive, because being busy and doing things and seeing people and balancing a million things was the only thing keeping me a live, because internally, i felt absolutely nothing.

which brings me to my next part: for me, depression feels like a thick fog in my head and emotionally i feel numb. i feel absolutely nothing. no anxiety. no excitement. just blank. i feel like a sheet of blank paper. and this is where i am now.

right now, i feel numb. and i'm being productive. i'm organizing a virtual poetry show, i'm reading, i'm crocheting again. my house is a mess. i'm not sleeping. it's not great. but i can tell i'm doing that thing where i'm making busy to just try and feel something.

but i'm also telling those most important to me that i love them. because even though i emotionally feel like jellyfish outta water, i still deeply love these people and i want them to know that. that feels important to me right now.

i think it's important to let you all know that i'm safe right now, i'm depressed and i'm really struggling, but i'm in no way a danger to myself. i will 100% reach out to someone if i start to feel differently. which leads me to my next part

this pandemic is forcing me out of my usual coping mechanisms. when i'm depressed and not well i like to see and be around people, at least for a distraction from myself. i want to be social and be out and do things! because being alone feels like torture.

and i've done enough work to understand my patterns of thinking and trying to intercept them and all that CBT bullshit (it's not bullshit). so i am better able now, than say back in 2011, to cope.

but everything i need to feel ok right now, i can't have. i can't be held by my date, i can't sit next to my friends on a couch and laugh, i can't be in a room full of friends at a party, i can't goto a coffee shop and sit with strangers.