I did fine through algebra

then I had a geometry teacher who basically taught the easiest class ever, almost no geometry (he did give us lectures on french literature tho)

then when I went to the community college/high school program...(1/n) https://twitter.com/nwilliams030/status/1247201381477486598

...I tested into a class that was too advanced for me given that I suddenly also had to be a Self Directed College Student and provide my own structure which I was totally incapable of doing

failed that class, got grounded, had to retake

all kind of spiraled from there

that's the year that school/studying/learning on purpose got really painful

I *still* have a panic reflex when I sit down to intentionally learn/try something difficult

oh I guess that was the same year of [certain horrible horrible family stuff too long for this thread]

I got plunged into a pseudoparent role

almost impossible to study at home due to chaos

but I was the least dysfunctional child in the household so I was expected to kind of figure shit out on my own

and ofc was "too smart" to be failing so ofc it was laziness

my mom got her math trauma when she moved to Hawaii and had an abusive 9th grade math teacher who was also racist against mainland students

would scream and chuck shit at kids' heads

so she lost her taste for it

I am still working on this panic reflex

it is incredibly painful and makes me sad

also how bullshit is it that I choke up the second I think "oooh I'm gonna try to learn X"

hate it! https://twitter.com/selentelechia/status/1247221444687192064?s=19