i have so much healing to do that is personal that i take as much time as i need from people because what they need to heal and what i need to heal are often very different and i'm selective about the kind of support i need. i have to feel that it's genuine.

most people hear a small portion of my life story and immediately start projecting pity onto me wondering how i get by in life actually doing things and not feeling sorry for myself. i already tried self-pity and i tried to kill myself. how about you stop thinking empathy is pity

most "empaths" i have encountered in my life, including the brief span of time i took on that label, have no idea how to hold space for people. they know how to try to absorb your emotions because they lack the awareness of boundaries to understand that my pain is MY pain.

it's not yours and i don't want to share it with you as some twisted act of feeling bonded to you. i actually feel so uncomfortable that your first reaction to my pain is to try to take it on as your own. that's very self-absorbed of you. not noble.

i understand you were raised around people that forced you into the role of cleaning up their emotions but i don't need that so when i say that, take what i'm saying to you and stop trying to make me the aggressor by turning it back on me with "i'm just trying to help".

the amount of people who do that to me is endless. treating me like i need your help when it's clear i have made it very far in life helping myself ... me not needing your help is not a reflection on you if you stopped making "helper" your sole identity in the world.

i'm not rejecting *you*. you're taking it that way because you haven't yet crafted a strong sense of self that is independent from whether or not people can use you. that's a personal issue and personal healing for you to do just like i had to.

yes, it's very hard but we can start with me asserting this boundary that i'd like to be supported by you, not treated like i need to be fixed. it's insulting to me to treat me like i need fixing when you're the one in need of help, starting with those missing boundaries.

i have to be very direct with people because if i'm not, people make assumptions about who i am, what i feel, what i think, etc because i don't overshare about myself even if i can provide the illusion that you know a lot about me. i'm good with words. it's a skill.

i don't share a bunch of my traumatic experiences because that's not how i want to show up in life ... where people attach to me thinking just because we had similar life experiences that that's all i need. trauma is not substance to me baby. find someone else for this.

i share what i can about my active healing process because it's extensive. there is a laundry list of things for me to heal because i don't even remember most of my childhood outside of trauma and have repressed so much stuff that it's STILL coming up now at my big age.

in the pain lottery, i have several scratch offs. but i can't make that the only thing about me. i'm still a light person. a whole clown tbh but that doesn't translate well without my voice. people take me too seriously and half of the time, i'm laughing at them for doing so.

i cannot swim in the emotion ocean all day without transmuting that shit. that's not me because i know just how deep my depression can get to the point i'm incapacitated. then having mercury in the 3H and mercury being my chart ruler. my mind NEVER shuts off.

i skipped going outside yesterday and i felt like shit all night. that's how on top of my self-care and spiritual hygiene i need to be if i want to continue showing up and being present. that's my biggest challenge. i don't wanna be here. but i combat that by showing up anyway.

because like most capricorn placements, i have things to do here and am aware of that. so i find ways to stop feeling sorry for myself and focus on my purpose. i have to be purpose oriented and not as selfish because if it were up to me, i'd take my jupiter in the 12H and be OUT.

i have literal fantasies about moving to the middle of nowhere and just having a cottage, all of the plants i need, and a full library. no cell phone. no internet.