Here’s something I’m struggling with that’s making things really hard right now (please bear with me, this is not easy to talk about).

I’m not doing well right now. My anxiety is in overdrive and I am in the middle of a huge #BPD flare up.

It’s very likely that, due to our financial situation, I will have to stop seeing at least one of my therapists. Which one? That is causing me huge stress. One of my common coping strategies is hospital fantasy, which is now unavailable because of Covid worries.

I am *really not doing well*. I don’t know how much I can stress that.

But, part of the problem is that I am also actively denying exactly how Not Well I am, because ‘things are hard for everyone right now’.

And yes, that’s very true.

There are lots of people struggling, lots of people experiencing anxiety and depression for the first time, lots of people who have complex mental health issues that are flaring up, lots of neurodiverse people who have been cut off from coping strategies. It’s not just me.

But also, knowing that and actively using it to minimise my own suffering (which is a trait of my #BPD) is damaging my health even more. It’s a viscous cycle that I have, as of this afternoon, recognised, but cannot yet stop or fix.

So yes. I’m doing very badly.

On having two therapists: yes I know I am *extremely* lucky to have one, let alone two, therapists. It is also necessary to manage my health. It’s hard, time consuming, and it takes resources away from other things. That is all true AND it’s still a hugely privileged place to be.