! So I& #39;m definitely NOT composing right now ! Solidarity to others who are also not, shit is RLY hard right now.

But also, today, after 3 weeks of not, I had a glimmer of hope that I might want to compose later and that was huge. I wanna celebrate that my body wanted to do this thing. Not because I want to be productive, but because body wants to do something that is healing for me FINALLY.

I have been queen of avoidance and doing *literally anything else* to keep my mind off of composing for a long time. It has brought me great anxiety to even think about composing. I am on FULL pause. But it feels good to know that at some point I may reach some equillibrium

Feeling like I might want to compose (genuinely WANT) reminds me that my body is adaptive, I am learning to heal, and maybe I will eventually be out of *just survival mode*