One moment was hard today

I don't drive, I let my Canadian licence lapse living in the UK. And I don't want to drive, I know that's hard to understand but I don't trust myself driving.

I had no incidents except speeding tickets. But close calls. Me behind a wheel scares me.

I go downtown when I want to do even simple. The Village is still my community. The 40 minute GO Train is just a flash.

It feels like it's just out the door bc I don't go anywhere in Ajax. I hop on a train. Even to go for a long walk. But I can't even do that now.

So I've felt horrendously guilty bc my mother has to carry the burden of grocery shopping. But I'm younger it should be me.

She was assuring me she's extremely careful. I've asked her to stop many times and go delivery. She keeps pushing it off. For a while now.

Then I got the clear sense this wasn't about groceries.

She needs the drive. To get out.

Just for sanity.

Private time alone in the car...bc she has to assist my Dad all day bc he can't walk.

She has to assist him alone.

No one else can do it.

Even me. We don't want him exposed to anything.

BUT what about the small risk something goes wrong and you're exposed, and don't know it? I kept asking her for weeks.

So today....I hated to do it bc I know getting outside to do a task is keeping her level mentally and she needs it for some reason...I lowered the boom hard today.

I was the parent. And she knew she had to submit. I was taking away all her freedom. She was sad. It was very hard.

So as of now she has agreed to never leave the house except for safe walks in the neighbourhood. No more driving, no more car trips, ever.

*Everything* will be delivered from here on.

She misses working out at the gym. Hopefully walking will do something for her.

But I'm also racked with guilt and feel should have lowered the boom on her sooner. I should have been more foreful earlier like I was today.

She swears up and down she couldn't have caught anything bc she wad too careful but still.

It also dawned on me...

...this is why we need MASS TESTING easily available for EVERYONE as soon as possible.

We can't expect people to live in this constant state of worry, "do I have it and not know...."

Without readily avail testing we are doomed to a constant state of fear and worry.

And that's not sustainable. It's too much to ask of Canadians while we're distancing, and making occasional human mistakes which are inevitable.
(Fin)