“'Should I feel guilty for feeling happy right now? Is it bad of me?’ Rather than feel shame, however, [she] has embraced gratitude for the things & people in her life that've allowed her to feel comforted."

So glad to see this written about. I haven't known how to talk about it https://twitter.com/lpbradley/status/1246836027513241601

https://twitter.com/lpbradley/status/1246836807125413888?s=19

It feels impossible -- and in such terribly bad taste! -- to talk about how in the midst of all my other big less-good (& terrible) feelings I'm often so much happier than I normally ever am

But it's also my experience, and it's nice to know I'm not alone.

In my normal life I often can't access "happy" at all (this is one reason I like high-impact time in the desert so much, because it lets me), so I've been somewhat preoccupied with how delightful it turns out "happy" is.

In the midst of... everything. Which feels inappropriate.

[cw internalized ableism] It's just such a relief not to be fucking up by existing! That my mental health isn't wildly Incorrect! That having no focus for work and no ability to manage getting out of the house is...ok, actually! That I'm not a freak & a fuckup to not cope w life

And so suddenly I can...breathe. i can sit in a patch of sunlight & feel it on my skin, snuggle down into a blanket & just feel good.

I'm allowed.

It's ok.

And I don't know how to cope with that, either, but in such a nice way

& my world is opening up--I'm not a shut in for whom getting out to do things is too hard, I'm social distancing well & can still do social activities bc they are RIGHT HERE, they aren't an endless string of executive function away, I just need clothes & a computer

I can do that

And I'm trying to offset feeling like this is somehow also wrong of me by being an infomercial about coping more & hating yourself less when incapacitated by ADHD & trauma & misery for my normally extremely-high-functioning friends who are being brought to their knees by this

But it's hard to talk about my experience, because I feel like I'm doing it wrong

(& I forgot to tag this thread, #pandemiclife)

But for once my doing it wrong isn't walking on knives like the Little Mermaid

And that's so alien, & so glorious

(she says, having been down for the count all day on day 11 of a migraine, but still, but still)

I'm thinking about Mary Oliver's Wild Geese,

You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.

I have never wanted to see days like these, and I want not to be now, and I feel like I am not doing as much as I should be

And I was wholly unprepared to find that they are, for me, at least for now, limned in grace.