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I have some feelings about meeting h*zier, and reasons I’m distant abt the topic, so here’s a very personal thread 
https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🧵" title="Thread" aria-label="Emoji: Thread">
CW : sui ment //////
CW : sui ment //////
basically, I have some really mixed emotions internally when I see tweets about people’s experiences meeting h*zier. as much as I am happy for them, it makes me sad and anxious— and those feelings make me feel guilty.
this is because last year, it would have meant a lot to me to thank andrew for his positive influence on me. and despite having the chance to do so, I let anxiety keep me from doing it.
last year was the hardest year of my life. my physical and mental health were poor, my life was stagnant because of it, and my home life was toxic. each of these things fed each other and I ended up struggling to get out of bed most days.
w,b!’s album release happened in the middle of some months where I was the most suicidal I had been in my life. part of this was medication, part of it was situation. but it was the first time I’ve ever genuinely been scared of what I might do.
it’s hard to remember a year ago, and I won’t ruminate much for the sake of my mental health. but at the time, I did not have much support. only one person was consistently there for me, and my messy headspace would lead me to push him away. I was not in a good place.
when I tweeted (embarrassingly angstily) during my first listen through of the album, andrew saw the one mentioning my MH and replied to me https://twitter.com/hozier/status/1101372863754522629">https://twitter.com/hozier/st...
there’s a lot of feelings here that are hard to put into words. but the gist is that I’d felt I was sending those feelings into the void with that tweet, something familiar with my struggling MH and lack of a support system.
I’d felt seen when I truly expected nothing.
I’d felt seen when I truly expected nothing.
they’re short sentences, but they were the hope and support I was lacking when I least expected it.
my response was embarrassing and overworded, and as much as I’m embarrassed by the thought of people seeing it, I don’t delete it because I know what I was feeling then. I was messy, and genuinely that’s ok.
w,b! became my comfort album. I’d listen to it on my worst days. “be still my indelible friend, you are unbreaking” reminded me of that message, and I still listen to title track when I need strength.
going to the show in October was what got me through the year— I was determined to hang on for the chance to see him in person. the process from getting the tickets to being in the door was challenging for my anxiety, but I managed and I’m proud of myself for that.
by the time the show was over and people were lining up to see him, I was overwhelmed.
and I made excuses to leave.
and I made excuses to leave.
ultimately, it was my anxiety that kept me away, and I try not to think about it too much.
I have awful regret and remorse over not staying to see him. and being reminded of that makes my chest heavy with the words I haven’t gotten to say to him because of it.
I have awful regret and remorse over not staying to see him. and being reminded of that makes my chest heavy with the words I haven’t gotten to say to him because of it.
I’m so happy for everyone that got to see him! but I have a hard time engaging in the conversation.
it brings these things up for me, and I have a hard time with my headspace when it does.
it brings these things up for me, and I have a hard time with my headspace when it does.
in part I’m making this thread hoping it’ll ease my messy guilty feelings, having sort of a disclaimer. in part because there’s a story in there that’s important to me. but ultimately, I just hope everyone understands it’s not personal if I’m distant abt h*zier meet things.
