Thread by @TheShadowsmiths, Once these last commissions have been knocked out of my queue, I’m [...]

Once these last commissions have been knocked out of my queue, I’m not sure if I’ll ever be opening them again.

It’s not because of my clients- they’ve all been great and really understanding of my situation and patient beyond measure and I can’t thank them enough .. (1)

But because of my up and down health in addition to keeping up with life, a full-time job, and taking care of myself, I simply cannot guarantee a reasonable turnaround rate anymore. In fact, I cannot even give a projected date of completion, and that’s not fair to my clients. (2)

I may still do one here and there for people who are okay with excessive wait times, but I have to face the fact that circumstances have changed, and right now it’s not viable for me to continue doing unless I don’t have a full-time job. (3)

It’s hard for me to come to terms with that, at one point I was so diciplined I was cranking out 10-20 pieces a month for a single client, and it was my only source of income.

But that hasn’t been me for a long time. I’m older, in worse health, with more responsibilities. (4)

I want your opinion though- if you were to commission me, knowing the turnaround time to have the potential of a year-long wait, how would you prefer to do payments?

**Refunds are an option I already offer my clients for incomplete work, based on stage of process.

I know this is going to disappoint some of you who were patiently waiting for my queue to open up again, and it disappoints me too because I had really wanted to get back to doing art regularly.

But I’ve been thinking long and hard about this, and there’s more to the story. (5)

Part of the problem has been my confidence-

Every time I pick up a pencil to try and sketch, I lose my mind. I doubt. I don’t know how to start. I’m not happy with anything I draw, even an hour or two into working on that sketch, and I didn’t know why. (6)

In the last five months or so, it finally started to come into focus. Some of this has been stemming from identity issues- of who I was, who I am, and who I want to be; confusion over what makes me truly happy and what is poison to me mentally and creatively. (7)

I’ve come to terms with my identity as a Biromantic (maybe even Panromantic) Asexual, but I’ve been questioning my gender identity and how I wish to be seen by others (and that’s a topic for another thread)...

My professional identity is another story entirely. (8)

I’ve been working as a Tech for almost four years now, and I’ve enjoyed doing that but it’s not where my passion lies.

My passion is in creating. All my life I’ve wanted nothing more than to contribute something that people will love and remember fondly. (9)

I have turned down so many creative avenues, trying out suggestions of the people around me at their ushering of “you could excel at this!”

And I did, for a time. I poured everything I had into my art, thinking if I just worked hard enough, one day I’d make it. (10)

But that day never really came, and I’ll tell you why.

As an artist, I wanted to be free to tell my stories. I had become good at taking direction from clients and giving them what they wanted, but ultimately, I still felt like I was searching for something more. (11)

Because there was so much that I wanted to say that I just couldn’t express through illustration alone, I always went back to writing.

I had always wanted to make a living doing art, but now I can’t see myself as a career artist, but I can see myself as a career writer. (12)

I’m admittedly bad at time management, because I get really easily overwhelmed.

But when I do, I stop thinking, block out everything else, and I sit down and write. It’s so much easier for me to find the words to write than to start drawing, and that’s how I know. (13)

I have a knack for art and I’ve worked my ass off to get good at it, but writing is what comes naturally, and I think that is what I need to focus more on from here on out.

And more time for writing means less time for art. (14)

Anyway, I know this thread got long, but TLDR:

Once I finish these commissions, they’ll be closed for a while until I can figure all this out.

Between all of the above and my health knocking me on my ass repeatedly, it’s just not working anymore. (15)

Despite all that, thanks to those of you who have stuck it out with me, thank you to my patient clients, and those of you supporting me through my struggle to find myself.

I will continue to create content, I just need a breather

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