I was 21 when my mom died of ALS. When I tried to talk to the people around me, they explained that they “didn’t know what to do”. Fair.

If someone you know has lost someone they love, here are some ways to help while staying physically distant.

1) You don’t have to say the perfect words. Just show up. And keep showing up. Tell them you are thinking of them not just when you learn about the loss, but also in the weeks/months that follow, after the initial rush of support wears off.

2) That said, there are some things to avoid saying. Don’t try to assuage or mitigate their pain. Don’t tell them to cheer up or to get over it. Don’t talk about how hard the loss is for YOU. They most likely don’t care.

3) Ask them what they need, and be proactive about it. Don’t say “if you ever want...”. Grief is a heavy burden to bear, and people who are grieving are terrified of putting that burden on others. Provide suggestions of things you can provide: meals, a FaceTime call, baked goods.

4) Remind them that they do not have go to through this alone. If you have the emotional spoons for it, let them know that they can cry/scream/talk to you. Ask them how you can support them right now.

5) Respect boundaries, don’t push too hard. If they tell you to leave them alone, leave them alone. Do not insist on “helping” if they do not want your help. It doesn’t matter if backing off makes you feel crummy - they are grieving. They make the rules.

6) Homemade/handwritten > store bought/typed out. Of course, all support is good support, but if you can take the time, personal touches are invaluable.

7) If there is a celebration of life, try to attend in some capacity. If it’s a virtual celebration, show up. If not, send flowers/chocolate/condolence cards. I have saved every sympathy card anyone has ever sent me about my mom.

8) If necessary, start a go fund me for the family. Funeral/hospital/lawyer fees are exorbitant, and if the financial cost of losing someone can be offset in any way, the pain of the loss may be marginally dampened.

9) Make a plan for when you’re out of isolation. Invite them to lunch at your favourite cafe. Set a date for June/July. Move it if necessary. Or plan a meal virtually.

10) Set up a meal train for the family (if they say that would help). Send it out to people they know. Food is love. Take the burden of loss off in as many ways as you can.