I've done a few media interviews in the last couple of days about working during COVID19 and volunteering to go to NYC. I often get asked towards the end, "Are you scared?"

The question trips me up a bit, and I've tried to think about why I have a hard time answering it.

/1

My initial response is no, I'm not scared. I'm not scared for my own safety, and most of the people I work with would say the same thing. We're aware of the risk, and I think we accept it as part of the job that we've signed up to do.

/2

But I do have a heightened sense of the risk of this disaster and about my mortality than about Ebola or other risky situations I've been in. This is the first time I'm actually preparing for my own death -- reviewing my will, writing letters to my kids, etc.

/3

I do have a sort of nervous energy -- I've seen other areas starting to get hit hard and I haven't been in the midst of it yet. Been waiting for the other shoe to drop. Being nervous about working in a new environment, not sure what my role will be...

/4

But, when I examine my feelings, I realize that I actually am scared -- not for my own safety -- but for our future. And I think this needs to be my answer during interviews going forward.

/5

I'm scared for my patients and their health. I'm scared for the losses that so many people are going to experience. I'm scared for my community. I'm really scared for the economic devastation and the long term effect that so many people are going to feel

/6

I'm especially scared for the more vulnerable in our society -- immigrants, low-wage workers, people of color -- this is going to affect them much worse than others, as disasters always do.

/7

I'm scared for how broken our healthcare workers and our healthcare system will be after this, how this is already revealing the cracks and the brokenness of our system. I'm scared for the long-term mortality and morbidity this will have on our patients.

/8

I'm scared that we are so entrenched in our individual political ideology that we won't recognize as a society that we will continue to elect leaders who don't listen to experts, who make rash decisions, who don't serve the neediest in our society

/9

That we will continue to elect leaders who cannot manage a crisis, that don't recognize the effects of climate change (yes, a pandemic is a symptom of climate change), that do not govern in a way that takes into account our long-term future.

/10

So, my answer is, I'm not scared for my personal safety. But I'm scared for my community. I'm scared for our future. I'm scared for the society we're leaving for my kids.

/end