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Hey, so, just a reminder that transgender people who are cis-passing don’t just magically stop feeling gender dysphoria b/c they blend into or benefit from an arbitrary cishet standard. For some, blending in can actually be a CAUSE of gender dysphoria. Not everyone has the same
goals or standards of self-acceptance. So when someone expresses that they are feeling hurt by & tired from gender dysphoria, consider how you are responding to that person in order to do more healing, rather than more harming. Affirmations & compliments are great, but here are
some things to keep in mind about how they may sometimes hit...
Not everyone is able to be actively working on their mental health - whether specific to gender dysphoria, or general mental health. Many of the ways we often try to reassure or reaffirm a person expressing
Not everyone is able to be actively working on their mental health - whether specific to gender dysphoria, or general mental health. Many of the ways we often try to reassure or reaffirm a person expressing
gender dysphoria sound good to us, but may not reflect the stage of development & self-acceptance they have achieved, or may be tied to a standard that the distressed person doesn’t share, or makes them feel even more pressured. Here are some examples of things we commonly say:
“Dysphoria is a lie.”
There’s a lot to discern here. First, although I think that this is largely true, it may not be at all helpful in certain contexts. At some points in our mental health journeys, we all have to deal directly w/the things that make us feel a certain way.
There’s a lot to discern here. First, although I think that this is largely true, it may not be at all helpful in certain contexts. At some points in our mental health journeys, we all have to deal directly w/the things that make us feel a certain way.
But sometimes, the best we can manage is to deal with the way we feel. Control the symptoms, then treat the cause. When we tell someone that their gender dysphoria is a lie w/o knowing their capacity (how can we if they don’t say?), it may feel like the burden is back on them.
“Dysphoria is a lie!...[& you fell for it. Wise up so you don’t get duped again].”
“You are my goals!...[so you should be as happy as I assume I would be in your shoes].”
“I wish I could be as {adjective} as you!...[but let me pile on the guilt of privilege instead].”
“You are my goals!...[so you should be as happy as I assume I would be in your shoes].”
“I wish I could be as {adjective} as you!...[but let me pile on the guilt of privilege instead].”
All of these rely on projection of personal, non-universal standards & achievements in development. But even more than that, the core message of these compliments is to ask the person who is expressing that they are hurt by & tired from gender dysphoria to fight harder.
Regardless of their capacity, we ask gender dysphoric people to redouble their efforts in believing something that they have already told us they are exhausted from trying to believe.
Maybe dysphoria IS a lie. But it’s also REAL. Not every transgender person experiences dysphoria
Maybe dysphoria IS a lie. But it’s also REAL. Not every transgender person experiences dysphoria
but as one of the ones who does, I can tell you that it is terrible, scary stuff that gets deep into your sense of self & worth. If it is a lie, it’s a seductive one, ultra convincing, & supported by all those arbitrary standards, binaries, & systems that we all know so well.
While we’re there, let’s acknowledge for a second that, within our community, we are undeniably racially biased toward WHITE cis-passing standards when we try our best to reassure each other. That’s a bias that I benefit from, so I know it’s there. It’s something to work on.
The point of this isn’t to say that you can never say nice things. It’s a reminder to be aware that not all that glitters is gold. In the wrong context or past a certain energy threshold, heaping beauty standard bearing compliments on a person - trans or not - can be burdensome.
It helps if we can do our best to indicate our capacity & our need when we express distress about gender dysphoria - “Not looking for compliments, just need some better thoughts,” or “please call me my name/use my pronouns/tell me I look enby,” etc. For those responding, it helps
to remember the difference between what a person is feeling & the thing that makes them feel that way. Nothing we say is going to vanquish their monster, & asking them to get right back up to fight ignores their fatigue. Ask what kind of response or reassurance a person wants.
Stay neutral. Don’t base your affirmation in your standard or bias. Address the person & how that person feels, not the thing that made them feel that way. And finally, back to the original point, gender dysphoria is different for everyone. It often doesn’t respond to or care
about standards of beauty, or how close a person comes to one or another benchmark or level of achievement. It’s a hard journey with no shortcuts. We can’t talk anyone out of gender dysphoria. Instead, let’s walk & talk with each other through it.
Let’s do our best to think of others as complexly as we are able & to care for each other as compassionately as we can. As a community, we are extremely good at loving w/o conditions. Even still, there are always ways to work on loving well.
I love you.
I love you.
