I kind of wish less of the discussion around abuse and abusive people emphasized models and the idea that abusive people don't think they're responsible for their behavior. For a few reasons.

1. I've had emotional regulation issues my entire life and sometimes I really do feel like I can't control my actions/responses, and then I feel abusive for like... yelling about a thing that was no big deal, or any of the things imperfect people do when they make mistakes coping

2. If someone is doing stuff to you that feels abusive and is causing you psychological or physical pain or damage, does it really matter if they're following the Abusive Partner behavioral cycle or whatever?
The problem is that their behavior is hurting you...

...and that should be enough, regardless of what kind of person they are, or whether they fit an Abuser profile, or whether they might even have understandable reasons why they exhibit that behavior.

It's harmful to you. It's abusive in its effect on you.

I think the model of the Abuser as a specific type of person who has specific behavior cycles and techniques that he (inevitably, it's a "he") uses to control his victims is of limited helpfulness because it can make you think that it's not "real" abuse otherwise.

It's useful to observe and notice patterns in people's abusive behaviors they exhibit.
Just... defining at what point someone goes from "damaged and not always coping well" to "toxic" to "Abusive" is hard, and implies some kind of villainy that I don't think is always realistic.

Idk I just think the habit of categorizing people as Abusive People who are Bad and who you must disconnect with/stop seeing humanity and nuance in is wrong, and sometimes I feel like that's a common abuse narrative we're pressured to use.

Again, going by the behavior and its effects seems more helpful because instead of having to prove that this person is an Abuser who's consciously trying to control you, and not a person going through profound shit of their own, you can just go, "this is hurting me, regardless."

This would also require a change to the criminal justice system, where people who are definite risks of harming their partners/exes/etc are kept away from them and from others they're likely to hurt, but also...given real therapy that works, and even understanding.

I don't have to condone hitting your partner (and I don't, obviously) to be able to listen to someone with a restraining order against them for DV explain what drove them to that moment, or bad experiences they had in their past, and make that person feel seen.

I'm anxious that a lot of people are going to read this thread and assume I'm an abusive person now (I don't think I am?), but idk I have some issues with some of the implications of the Lundy Bancroft presentation of abuse, as a would-be psych counselor and...

... also as a person who survived some experiences that were probably abusive (at least, in effect) from my parents, especially my father.