people like elder holland are walking reminders to me that i can’t stereotype church members as judgy and self-righteous without doing myself a great disservice

there are some miraculous members of the church and i cannot deny that

#GeneralConference

i have had so many experiences with the church, especially because of my church employment

i have experienced some truly terrible, harrowing moments

i had to see and read about the awful way bishops have treated people who made mistakes and the way they treated victims of abuse

i worked with disciplinary council documents, excommunications, and annotations for 2 yrs

i processed so many name removals and readmissions after name removal that i finally realized some people leave the church as part of their journey, some come back & some dont & that’s okay

ANYWAYS

my point, is that even though i read things that broke my heart and felt angry at the way people were treated for making mistakes, i cannot deny the compassionate, heartfelt letters from stake presidents and bishops that moved me to tears

there are some compassionate, connected, Christ-like leaders in this church

they have sat with people who have made truly awful mistakes and extended love and acceptance to them

i was thinking about it yesterday and just let myself cry for a while

i have had so many contrasting, confusing experiences in the church

some of them are really dark

some of them are full of light and goodness

and the challenge for me is figuring out how to accept both and give space for both inside myself

it’s not easy and i still feel so much hurt over the unjust experiences and i feel bitter disappointment at people who should have known better

at the same time, i can easily give you dozens of examples of moments that made me feel completely overwhelmed with love

ive cried on the phone w bishops who just want to help people in their ward who cant forgive themselves & ive felt their concern & care for the people they lead

i cant deny that & i wont

it makes it hard to articulate how i feel about the church & what my relationship is to it

im grateful to the people who stick around and hear me out as i process everything ive experienced and give a voice to all of it, the darkness and the light

i have no conclusion to this except to say religion can bring so many conflicting emotions and im here for it and for you