Its’s Palm Sunday, the start of Holy Week, so let me explain it using the knowledge I received in Sunday school...but make it gay.

So Palm Sunday commemorates Jesus’ entry into Jeruselum, which is the hottest club in town.

Jesus was a bottom. Which we know because he makes a PRODUCTION out of his entrance. He rides in on a donkey, think Bianca Jagger entering studio 54 on a horse. Very that.

Before hitting Jerusalem, Jesus helped his friend Lazarus come back from a nasty 4 day hangover, and so he’s still riding high from that. It was a total miracle.

Everyone at club Jerusalem basically thinks Jesus is hot shit. They can’t believe how extra he’s being, but they’re living. They throw palm branches cause this is also Florida. And yes, I’m sorry to say that they were also clacking those damn fans. You know the ones.

Jesus feels something is off at club Jerusalem. Turns out, they let him in cause he was hot shit, but they were charging a $20 cover!!! He’s like “No, sis, this thievery!”

Jesus was anti-capitalist so he makes them stop charging a cover, cleansing the temple, so to speak.

Here’s where things get juicy. Judas, one of Jesus’ good Judys, is at Jeruselum: Yes, the Judas from the Gaga song.

Judas & Jesus have history but basically Judas is a fugly slut. Do not trust her. For this part of the story though, I have to take you back a little...

Earlier that night, Jesus, Judas & crew were pregaming at Bethany & Mary’s condo. They’re married lesbians so they wanted to stay in.

Mary saw Jesus was wearing sandals to the club (I know) she’s like, Jesus let me give you a pedicure If you’re gonna wear those. Fix those toes.

Judas is getting antsy cause he wants to start going. Jesus is like sis, no one good is there until after midnight. Chill. Judas is a top and doesn’t like being told what to do, so he’s kind of annoyed about it. Also there is history there. Clearly.

Mary finishes Jesus’ pedicure off with this expensive oil. Judas was there when she bought it & goes “I thought you were gonna return that cause it was expensive?” Mary’s like fuck it. Judas is pissed cause he was gonna try to take the store credit for himself. Now he can’t.

Jesus should have known better when it came to Judas. The real tea if you ask me is that Judas is a fuckboy and Jesus likes to keep him around because he’s a good top. Jesus is a bottom after all.

Back to Jeruselum. Judas is at the bar waiting to order a Truly (I know, he’s THAT girl). He overhears the club’s manager yelling. The manager of the club finds out they stopped collecting a $20 cover and he’s PISSED!!! He demands to know who did that.

Judas goes up to the manager and says he knows who did it. He demands a cut of the cover fee in exchange for snitching - Judas is trying to save up for Mykonos. The manager agrees. Judas LIVES for the drama so he tells the manager to watch him. He’ll kiss the culprit. So extra.

Judas comes back with his Truly and is looking for Jesus on the dance floor. Jesus isn’t drinking cause he’s on a cleanse.

They start dancing, & Judas is getting super close. Jesus is into it. They start making out. Jesus starts to think about how glad he is that he douched.

With that kiss, Judas sealed Jesus’ fate. The manager saw everything. Judas was a backstabbing bitch and betrayed Jesus. Jesus was super happy cause he low key has feelings for Judas, unfortunately, Judas is a fuckboy. Story as old as time, really.

Anyways, cut to the next day. Jesus wakes up at Judas’ place. Because Judas is a true fuckboy he asked Jesus not to leave cause he wanted to “wake up next to him.” Jesus fell for it. A MESS.

Anyways, they have to hurry though because they have brunch reservations.

Jesus and 12 of his closest friends head BACK to Jeruselum for brunch (yes they serve brunch during the day). Jesus sits next to his bestie John. Judas, who is low key clingy even though he doesn’t like to admit it, sits next to Jesus. He tries to hold his hand during brunch.

Jesus isn’t a stupid hoe and he knows shit went down. He could see through Judas’ fuckboy antics.

Brunch is going well, Jesus is being super extra, telling people the bread is “his body.” Eventually things start to get kinda messy.

Jesus gets lit at brunch and starts to wash people’s feet. It’s a whole thing. When the mimosas finally arrive (the service is bad at club Jerusalem) Jesus makes a toast which is where shit gets real, so hang on!

At first Jesus’ toast is cute, saying he loves all his friends. Then he starts calling people out. He calls out Peter for ignoring him in the group chat. Peter deserved it.

Then he says there is a traitor among them, and that “one of you sluts is gonna betrayal me!”

As you can imagine, everyone is just looking around like well, “Who? Spill the tea, sis!” John is glad he’s sitting next to Jesus and he tries to get all the tea. As we all would. They start getting roudy, and start calling attention to themselves.

The manager of the club comes over and offers Jesus a sangria. Jesus refuses it. The manager is pissed, cause he wanted Jesus to drink it so he could be like “that’s the last drink you’ll ever have here!” These girls are dramatic let me tell you.

The manager makes Jesus get up. Saying he cost him money by making them stop collecting a cover on the busiest night. The manager wants to humiliate him, so he makes him clear his plates from the table & walk them to the kitchen for everyone in club Jeruselum to see.

The manager tells him he can never come back. He’s banned for life. Jesus is devastated. Club Jeruselum is where everything happens. This is the DEATH of his social life. The owner takes a terrible picture of Jesus and nails is to the door saying “BANNED FOR LIFE.”

People are devesated at the death of Jesus’ social life. People host an Instagram Virgil where they post pictures of themselves with Jesus at Jeruselum. Things feel like they’ll never be the same. They even take Jesus out of the group chat.

Cut to three days later: everyone’s at club Jeruselum and out of no where in walks Jesus. Everyone is GAGGED. A resurrection before their eyes.

Turns out the OWNER of club Jerusalem is Jesus’ dad. He waited to say anything just to gag everyone with his entrance. The end.