I just really feel like getting this off my chest, but I hate my depression so, so much... And how broken apart I am...

Chasing impossible realities as if they were achievable.

“I’ll never leave you!”
“BFF!”
“Never get annoyed by you”
“I can take it”
“I’m different”

lies

these have broken apart my mental state, ruined me, for being so invested in these ideas that these are remotely true.

I never trust anyone anymore, I force myself to disassociate to not get attached anymore, my brain is starting to hate. Friendship. And the lies it brings.

I’m starting to hate people telling me kind things because it’s all going to flip one day. I’m starting to self isolate more and more. I’m only looking back at the bestest friends I had and lost, I ponder on them, I cry over them, I miss them

Everytime, every fucking time it’s never turned out well. Either from something I did, something they did, or falling out of care for each other.

It affects me permanently.

And never does for the other.

I cry EVERY fucking night over it, and I’m sick of my eyes hurting

I miss all of my best friends I had, I miss them so, so much. Some more than others because... I really really felt a mutual connection and a relation I cared for, I had opened up again and loved to interact, have fun, only to be OBLITERATED!!!!!

now I just... hate it. I’m sick of it. I hide in my little ball, crying over memories and when I was happy, pushing away any more lies I hear.

it’s been this way, for a very, very, long long time. It only gets worse everytime I let go and open up.

now, I’m done.

I made this thread, as a way to just shout out my deepest pains to a general public, because it hurts to look at my vent account.

I had just finished my hour-hour and a half cry session and was just... fed up with the cycle. The cycle that continues and continues... so here I am

I’m sorry I’m this way, and completely, utterly destroyed. I will never, feel better again in this aspect.

4:30am... time for my 3 hour sleep.... goodnight.