@haleymk_ can I thread reactions to Kingdom pls?

Alright, so Haley has given me rights to react. Gonna thread this all lmao. Also, spoilers!

Okay, so I’ve just finished the prologue and chapter 1. It’s a solid start. Imma just do 1-4 tweets/chapter so I don’t rumble too much. Wait, I think that’s too much. Oh well.

So far, the prologue is well done. It’s straightforward, and it’s a nice moment of exposition so we won’t jump into the story confused. It could’ve been longer to emphasize more of what happened (in detail) in the lives of Jullian and Kaitlyn, and to give them more character.

Unless, of course, they won’t be giant leads in the story, but more of a set-up. But it isn’t an issue. I think they’re pretty fleshed out from an introductory. Good job Haley.

My only issue is with how the exposition was written. Other than the fact that it could’ve been longer (depends on personal taste tho), show don’t tell as well. Some adjectives can be replaced with imagery, so that’s something to add in.

And personally, I thought (as it’s background exposition as introduction to set up a future event) it would be better if the two/three lines of dialogue were written as passive language. Instead of: He said to them, “Hi,” it would be better if it were written as: He greeted them.

I’ve just finished C1 and I’m getting a lot of Dragon Prince/Letter for the King vibes. The main character is pretty likeable, sort of like Tiuri. His dad is an ass (like, bro, chill). The use of *...* is slightly overused, and can be suggestedly replaced with *;* But good start.

C2: okay; some tension between Joseph and Gregor. I can sense some chemistry coming up with Zach and Madilynn. The relationships and dynamics between characters are straightforward. Suggestions would be: more chaos. People riding into town and demanding bucks isn’t enough.

C3: Haley does a great job at establishing relationships. She does it way better than me. Establishing dynamics are hard tbh, because sometimes you can forget about how certain character dynamics work and then mess it up (that’s me!) Can I ship Zach and Joseph, though?

C4: fight scene establishes more dynamics, but would be much more entertaining if witty dialogue was added for that nice flavor of chemistry.

C5: the *...* gang is gathering. Also, I think Joseph thinking of Zach is a good foreshadowing to...... potential relationships. Cliffhanger could’ve ended with, not only the door, but Joseph’s reaction to it.

“I have my ways, sire.”

I sense betrayal.

‘If Lyan hadn’t found you, you wouldn’t be walking the ground where you stand… you’d be six feet under it."’ Love this wordplay. Oh, but is it.... foreshadowing?

C8: I think dad’s illness didn’t leave much of an impact, another thing to take is that this guy needs more dimensions. Suggestions: have dad own some other qualities (other than being an ass) or maybe show more of the intensity of Joseph’s dedication to his father.

“We’re… just looking for herbs?”

I sense a Merlin reference.

“Ever do that again, I’ll have you put in the stocks,”

Merlin reference number two.

Mika is Hugo Friedkin from DGHDA change my mind.

“I swear, it’s like you go looking for someone to try and take your head off,”

This line is

OH SO IT WAS MADILYNN. O H — wait, but: “It was just as you suspected, Father, Zachary is protecting Joseph with everything he has… the Prince is actually friends with the commoner," she mumbled, looking at the ground.

Is Zach in on this too? Is he part of something huge?

Okay, another thing her is that I need more description. Smell, what stuff looks like, the air, all that Jazz. Description is key in writing because it hooks your readers into this world you’re creating.

The difference between fanfiction and “original” stories is that fanfiction is reinterpreting a lore that already exists in the words of a different author. If you know the original lore, you can deal with the little tweaks.

In “original” stories (because no story is ever original. I’ll talk about that another time) I think the beginning should be an invitation or a grappling hook. Readers don’t have to know about everything that’s going on, but they should have a hook to keep them in.

I’ll refer to DGHDA for this. In the BBCA show, loads of questions are raised and very little answers are given. But this is the hook. The questions are so bamboozling, you would want to know more.

In fanfiction, the hook is the media it is reinterpreting. If you love a certain fandom, that’s the hook. The writing is too, but it’s not a major issue if your readers don’t give a dam about how bad the writing is.

This book has a lot of material to work with so far. You’ve got kingdoms, the commoners, our prince main and betrayal; a decent hook, but to get ALL the readers reading is that description. Imagery, little things throughout the story that will eventually lead to something bigger.

Okay, now I’m gonna continue chapter 17.

... Is Zach’s father Gregory?

NO ZACH NOT WITH MADILYNN STICK WITH JOSEPH——

“Who died and made you King of Everything?"

Ooooh I like this line.

Zachary! Come on out, there’s someone I’d like you to meet!” Vivian called
...
“Who’s this?” Zachary laughed weakly, looking over at his mother.
“King Stefan of Mazoria… your… father…” Vivian said hesitantly, looking at Zachary who only looked more confused.

Okay, some inconsistency; I don’t think Vivian would call Zach down if she doesn’t want him to meet his own father. Just a though.

Zachary scoffed lightly and laughed. “Yeah, sure mom, and Prince Joseph is my cousin…"

NO I WAS SHIPPING THEM DAMMIT. Wait but, they’re not siblings... and in Harry Potter purebloods marry each other’s cousins... so....???

Okay so.... woah the stakes have escalated.

Personal choice, but I don’t think the word “DNA” (which is a scientific word) would fit into a fantasy prose.

Also: protect Vivian.

Jullian raised a weak hand. “No… I… need you to know… son, that… no matter how… hard I was on you… I have… always… loved you. Even more than… Kaynan… itself. And I know… you will be a… great ruler to these… people…"

Me: nay. You’re still an ass, Uther.

“I am to be King, Zachary, I don’t need your help,”

Kaynan royalty carries asshole bloodline, am I right? Stop being an ass like your father, Joseph.

I’m on chapter 47. Fun reads.

I’m doing this while eating Jammie Dodgers. Fun.

The “poisoning her to do his bidding” thing could’ve been extended.

Madelynn lowkey reminds me of Dame Grace Hensley from the Kingston Cycle.

Chapter 55. 25 more to go.

The writing is improving tremendously as you go down the story. @haleymk_ how long did this take to write, because I cannot write anything as long 70 chapters (my max is 30).

JOSEPH YOU’VE LOST YOUR VALIDITY EVER SINCE YOU BECAME AN ASS

I had to pause for a sec to finish all my Jammie Dodgers. Whoops.

“This isn’t friendship, Joseph, this is politics!”

Most likely me if I became the president (which most likely would never happen).

Good job Joseph. You killed a king. You’re still invalid, but good job. Now, WHERE’S ZACH?

NOOOOO ZACHARY

OKAY. I’VE FINISHED. LET ME TAKE A BREATH.

Consensus: overall it was a good story. It felt rushed and overstretches at times, but it found its footing midway. That’s good. So in this consensus, imma break it down to: plot, character, writing, grammar (it’s necessary don’t laugh at me) and suggestions.

Plot: at first, the plot was a bit of muddled, except that there’s this king who wants to take over a certain kingdom with a rather exceptional heir. Of course, there was more than what meets the eye.

The beginning was rather messy and slightly unsure of itself. Haley, in your second draft, work on that beginning. It’s the hook (ref. to my 5-tweet rant). But it fleshes out characters, setting and dynamics well.

By the middle, you know what’s going on. There’s a call to action by 27 chapters in. That took a bit long, and I wished the “I’m your father” reveal was overshadowed in the prologue rather than the Jullian/Kaitlyn story.

The ending. The last part. The climax. I loved it all. The war scenes most definitely. War scenes are hard to pull off. I don’t know how it works, but Haley... woah, that war scene was good. It was intense and I loved it. Teach me your action skills please.

I also liked how the ending ends with the sort of “Jack the Giant Slayer” ending.

Now.... onto the main characters.

I think Joseph’s arc needs to clean up a bit. I need more info on how he’s so dedicated to his asshole father (like Arthur to Uther) so there’s that. Also, speaking of fathers, I need a bit more character expansion on Jullian.

Okay wait imma be back in a sec gotta go eat lunch.

Okay... where was I? Ah yes. Characters.

Zachary is one of the best characters out of the little ensemble. His arc is tied up nicely, though he can be a bit... messy, at times. I thought his death was unnecessary and Joseph should die. Personal opinion tho.

Madilynn is... Madilynn. She reminds me of Morgana, but with little redeemable qualities. Just because she was entranced for most of the time doesn’t mean it redeems her for her mistakes. If she had more character depth, that would be more understandable.

Next we have Gregory. He’s you’re angry, intelligent villain... and that’s it. I think his plans are pretty cunning though. But... layers! I want layers about him!

Finally, we have Vivian, aka Hunith. I’m calling her Hunith because she gives me Hunith vibes. She’s a good character for a start, but maybe add more stuff about her?

I think what I can summarize from all the character reviews is that they need more depth, not just: he’s angry villain, or she’s kind mom. Layers in characters make them more memorable, and more interesting overall.

Even all cliché characters have some side-aspect to them. Examples would be (I’m taking them from DGHDA again) is Todd Brotzman. He’s your every-man in the show. But as you delve deeper into the story, he’s got so much guiltiness that he doesn’t talk about much. And you pity him.

Okay enough about character studies, Imma talk about... what was it?

Right; writing.

It starts out rough and messy, but as it continues, it gets better. It’s still a first draft, so that’s forgivable.

By a last draft, the beginning must be as good as— if not better than— the ending. It’s the grappling hook that will drag your readers through the story and keep them in.

Hooking consistency. That’s important.

I despise doing second-to-last drafts. They are tiring. I still have 90K words (and still adding) worth rereading and re-editing. But writing a book is never easy. It’s exhausting. And you need a lot of dedication for it all. Now, *sips tea* the grammar.

Grammar? It’s okay. Just a few misspells and that stuff. Present tense and past tense mix ups. That can all be fixed later.

Now.........

OVERALL. Drum for me! (just kidding)

It’s a nice quick read. But if you’re gonna take this seriously, it needs more words to qualify for an epic fantasy and YA story. A whole lot more polishing and editing.

From a bit of research, a YA book is minimally 80K words. A fantasy book (in this case, YA epic fantasy) would be 80K-120K words min. Since this is 70 chapters, I guess (to tackle a good amount) writing 1500-2000 words/chapter would be good.

Character chemistry is okay, but it could’ve been better. Maybe more scenes where they spend time with each other and delve into their relationships more.

If Madilynn and Zach spent more time together, the betrayal would be more intriguing. Or if Joseph had spent more time with/worshiping his father, Jullian’s death would be more sad.

Grammar is okay. Just... reduce using *...* every five words.

I think that’s all. That’s overall. I’d give it a 7/10 because 70 chapters is a lot of work and the war scene is good. Just needs a bit more polishing and re-edits and I think it would be such a fantastic Fantasy YA read!

And with that, I finish this thread.