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TW: venting, bdsm, mental health, depression
I just realized something.
Y’know what I really needed? Cathartically being dommed tf out; maybe with impact play and bondage in the middle. Followed by nice aftercare.
Y’know what I’ve never had? Precisely that.
I just realized something.
Y’know what I really needed? Cathartically being dommed tf out; maybe with impact play and bondage in the middle. Followed by nice aftercare.
Y’know what I’ve never had? Precisely that.
The thing about having kinks but not being part of the niche community is that, a lot of the time, it isn’t just about horniness. There’s a lot of trust, giving up control and allowing yourself into another state of being. And tho I really need that right now +
+ it’s something I’ve never experienced, at least not really in a safe environment with the right people.
It’s getting to a point where my well being is overlapping with catering to some of these needs and I’m doing the opposite by isolating myself, sweeping it under the rug +
It’s getting to a point where my well being is overlapping with catering to some of these needs and I’m doing the opposite by isolating myself, sweeping it under the rug +
+ and silently praying that therapy will be enough, even though I had one session and social distancing was stablished right afterwards.
Also, my therapist caught COVID-19, so this last week and the next she’s still gonna be self-isolating to be safe.
Also, my therapist caught COVID-19, so this last week and the next she’s still gonna be self-isolating to be safe.
I’m losing a lot of mental and emotional support tools, losing grip on routine and having a constant itch to fall back into old habits that I have not resorted to in over three years.
I need more than ever support from people physically close to me and don’t feel comfortable +
I need more than ever support from people physically close to me and don’t feel comfortable +
+ asking for it nor do I feel comfortable being vulnerable anywhere other than here and while writing on my journal.
But I haven’t had the strngth left to write down by hand, so I’ve just depositing my feelings here.
But I haven’t had the strngth left to write down by hand, so I’ve just depositing my feelings here.
I hate worrying people, that’s why I’m making this thread so long; maybe people will avoid it because of its size and TWs.
But the thing is that my depression and anxiety are getting really bad.
But the thing is that my depression and anxiety are getting really bad.
I feel exhausted after only being awake for a few hours, but if I try to take a nap it’s like I triggered some sort of adrenaline driven responde and my heart starts trying to beat out of my ribcage.
I can’t even try to relax without starting a tachycardia response from my own body and when I sleep, my dreams aren’t peaceful. Just this afternoon I took a 3 hour nap and woke up feeling anxious and on edge because of the dream I was having.
I wish this thread was going somewhere, I started writing it all down in hopes I would eventually manage to pinpoint what is throwing me in such a loop so easily, but I’m just feeling tired, sad and a lot of anguish.
Hugging pillows and being caring and soft towards my dog help, but I caught myself lying on the floor and crying while petting her soft fur and it distressed me so much I ended up dropping my plans of writing and went straight for a nap.
3 hours after such nap, I’m about +
3 hours after such nap, I’m about +
+ to go to bed again. I’m already tired enough again and the depression is light a fucking weight on my chest pinning me down on my own bed and making every move an effort I’m not willing to make right now.
I just hope I’ll feel better tomorrow once I wake up. Maybe all I really need is some decent night’s sleep. I’m counting on it. I can’t live like this everyday, I won’t get anything done.
My dog is sleeping with me and I’m so glad about that. Let’s see what tomorrow will bring.
Good night.
Good night.
