i think i need to talk about the things i'm feeling because honestly. its all bad. and i genuinely feel like the best thing to do right now is to just die

i have been struggling with depression and anxiety since i was thirteen. i've been suicidal since i was fourteen. on the outside, i'm an incredibly positive person. i try and be there for everyone. i've never wanted people to feel as shitty as i always do

every year i think things get better. i think i'm going to be okay, and that maybe i do want to stay alive. maybe theres a reason to stick around. but its always false hope. good things come. and then theyre gone again and im left alone to deal with the tidal wave of shit

im so tired. im so tired of being okay and being positive when i am hurting so fucking badly. i wake up every morning and i get fucked over by some new thing. and im so fucking tired of it. im tired of working my ass off and being second best all the time. im tired of finding

something good and seeing it disappear almost immediately after. and with this whole stupid pandemic, everything that i was holding onto to keep me going is gone. im tired. im sad. and i dont want to be here anymore

the worst part about feeling all of this is i know i have people that care. but everything just hurts so mcuh and i know that i dont deserve that anyway. if the world has taught me one thing its that i do not deserve anything good. it all gets taken. i get a taste and its gone.