So this may be a really stupid thread, but I want to air my feelings lately around depression, suicidal thoughts, images of myself, my recent crappy losses and experiences and how of all people actor @jameelajamil is who gave me clarity tonight.

Buckle in. May be a long one.

So it all started two years ago, I was dating an Arkansan, moved to America with her and last June 26th we had my son. Photo below...

Things were good then. I can honestly say only 9 months ago I was truly the happiest I had ever been.

2 months after this momentous moment in my life, easiest the greatest day of my life actually, me and his mother broke up. This prevented an issue however as I was in America on a fiancé visa. Failure to marry was to return home to Britain. That meant leaving my son.

I tried regaining a visa for reentry to the United States, his mother made that difficult by immediately (and untruthfully) filing for abandonment papers against myself.

The US embassy refused. I wasn't allowed to return; his mother won and I can't see my son again.

This led me down a spiral of destruction. I began to drink excessively, casual sex became a normal pastime. After losing him mum I feel like I can't be loved; after losing him himself I feel like I am entirely to blame for the breakdown of that engagement.

The engagement that if it were still on, would have kept me with him.

I know this illogical, I know my reasons for being mad at her was to protect him. Her friend, a registered sex offender, shouldn't have been around my son. I make no qualms arguing that case.

Yes despite the obvious illogical fallacies in my beliefs, I still hate myself, and I still suffer from insane depressive episodes that I cannot control.

Three weeks ago this all came to an unfortunate head.

I spent a night awake doing nothing but watching YouTube videos on tying noose knots. The next day I went down to Ashby Ville Lake in my hometown of Scunthorpe and tried to end my life

The branch snapped. I failed there too

I had plans to try again, unfortunately however they were put on hold. A few days later our Priminister announced lockdown.

This led to a new problem. Isolation.

Now I recently deleted Facebook, this account has nobody I know on it. I had to remove toxicity.

The issue is in a lockdown situation this isolates me. I have had no real human contact in weeks now and my mind has as such drifted back to thoughts of outright suicide and my own failures.

I had to distract myself.

So, I binged watch a show. "The Good Place."

This show, in short, taught me a lot about human emotions; what it takes to be a good person, and the difficulty of life on earth. Life is more complicated than we think, and playing the blame game is just silly.

Tonight upon finishing the show I decided to follow the cast on here, and last of all I followed the namesake from the original tweet of this thread. Miss @jameelajamil, and I began browsing her Twitter when I saw a post made to her.

This woman was asking for money, on cashapp. She could have been lying outright, she could have been telling the truth.

Yet with absolutely no regard for the former, and all for the second @jameelajamil just sent her money.

She just trusted, without hesitation...

These past few months I've hated humanity, I've hated the rich for making me leave America. I've hated everything about, well everyone.

Yet in one tweet, @jameelajamil did something.

She showed me there's still good people out there like myself. Willing to put others first.

I still have a long way to go. Still have depression, suicidal thoughts, severe money troubles and I haven't eaten properly in days.

However I now have a start, one illusion has been broken.

People will care about me if I find the right ones.

I can't thank her enough for that.