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gonna ramble for a sec about a concept my therapist friend (that& #39;s "friend who& #39;s a therapist") was talking about & really put into words that& #39;s been helping me a lot as I& #39;ve decided to try to move forward in my own healing process.
she likened the things we define ourselves by to badges. they can be neutral/good things like "good at math"/"likes to collect pins", or they can be bad things like "suffered the most abuse"/"worst childhood". it& #39;s what we stick to ourselves, how we define ourselves to others.
sa mention //
I& #39;ve been trying to think about how I define myself. I& #39;m a survivor of sexual violence, yes, but is that how I want the world to know me? it& #39;s an aspect of myself, a part of my past that influences my present, but is it something I want to paste over my heart?
I& #39;ve been trying to think about how I define myself. I& #39;m a survivor of sexual violence, yes, but is that how I want the world to know me? it& #39;s an aspect of myself, a part of my past that influences my present, but is it something I want to paste over my heart?
it& #39;s why part of the language I use for myself isn& #39;t "victim", even tho I very much was one (& I don& #39;t begrudge others the use of the term. that& #39;s not for me to police for others). I& #39;d rather be known for the things I love, rather than the hate I have for what others did to me.
the hate & anger (& self-loathing & mourning) are still there, but I& #39;m trying to reframe how I frame myself in this process. what are the badges I want people to see? what accomplishments do I want people to know me for? is it that I took the most hits, or that I& #39;m healing?
I& #39;m kind of just rambling, but visualizing it in that way has made me look at how I talk about myself in an entirely different way. I try not to linger on the bad stuff, or outright tell people who aren& #39;t in the know details of my past abuse.
it doesn& #39;t mean it& #39;s not there or that I& #39;m ignoring it, but those are things for me to work out on my own (& w/a therapist in the future), not to saddle the rest of the world w/all the time, or for me to label myself by. I want to bloom, not rot out my roots.
healing has been a strange process for me that sometimes feels like figuring out which stones on a path to step on at the right time to open a new part of the path, & sometimes I get stuck. but it& #39;s comforting to know the path keeps going, & it doesn& #39;t end in a sheer drop-off.
& I think it does help to be somewhat open about the fact that others hurt me. I want to create a safe space around myself for other survivors & victims. but I& #39;m learning to be open by way of being so on my own terms, & being as authentic as I know how to be.
I feel like what happened to me is starting to become a chapter in my book, or one bloom that didn& #39;t grow quite right, rather than a ghost that thinks it can dictate how I try to move into my future, or a bog that can keep me trapped forever.
I don& #39;t want to define myself by how much hurt I can take or how many bad things might& #39;ve happened to me. I deserve better than that, & to try to be better, & to try to focus on the good I have now, even if things are still scary & uncertain.
I can be honest w/myself & loved ones about how bad I feel sometimes, while still pinning the badges of good things on myself. even if sometimes the only ones I can claim for the day are "got out of bed" or "fed myself"âthat& #39;s something.
& it& #39;s definitely more than the bad & the hurt try to make me out to be. I& #39;m so much more than how much pain & hurt I can carryâand that& #39;s what I deserve.
(end thread!)
(end thread!)
one last thing: if this is tldr;, this thread is basically this:
some context: Lily & Vivian have been stuck in their house for years, terrified of the outside. losing their niece broke them, made them (apparently) lifetime shut-ins. finally, Vivian snaps, exhausted by Lily& #39;s refusal of any chance for both of them to even try to be better.
they& #39;re comfortable in their unhappiness. it& #39;s easier to stay in their misery than trying to find ways to move forward, or to feel better. & no just *trying* doesn& #39;t automatically fix all their neuroses or sadness, but at least it& #39;s *something*. how do you know until you try?
(last note: Pushing Daisies has been helping me in my healing process more than I initially realized, & there& #39;s a reason why I keep this quote so close to my heart. basically it just means: try. just try. just keep going. you deserve to be happy.)
