gonna ramble for a sec about a concept my therapist friend (that's "friend who's a therapist") was talking about & really put into words that's been helping me a lot as I've decided to try to move forward in my own healing process.

she likened the things we define ourselves by to badges. they can be neutral/good things like "good at math"/"likes to collect pins", or they can be bad things like "suffered the most abuse"/"worst childhood". it's what we stick to ourselves, how we define ourselves to others.

sa mention //

I've been trying to think about how I define myself. I'm a survivor of sexual violence, yes, but is that how I want the world to know me? it's an aspect of myself, a part of my past that influences my present, but is it something I want to paste over my heart?

it's why part of the language I use for myself isn't "victim", even tho I very much was one (& I don't begrudge others the use of the term. that's not for me to police for others). I'd rather be known for the things I love, rather than the hate I have for what others did to me.

the hate & anger (& self-loathing & mourning) are still there, but I'm trying to reframe how I frame myself in this process. what are the badges I want people to see? what accomplishments do I want people to know me for? is it that I took the most hits, or that I'm healing?

I'm kind of just rambling, but visualizing it in that way has made me look at how I talk about myself in an entirely different way. I try not to linger on the bad stuff, or outright tell people who aren't in the know details of my past abuse.

it doesn't mean it's not there or that I'm ignoring it, but those are things for me to work out on my own (& w/a therapist in the future), not to saddle the rest of the world w/all the time, or for me to label myself by. I want to bloom, not rot out my roots.

healing has been a strange process for me that sometimes feels like figuring out which stones on a path to step on at the right time to open a new part of the path, & sometimes I get stuck. but it's comforting to know the path keeps going, & it doesn't end in a sheer drop-off.

& I think it does help to be somewhat open about the fact that others hurt me. I want to create a safe space around myself for other survivors & victims. but I'm learning to be open by way of being so on my own terms, & being as authentic as I know how to be.

I feel like what happened to me is starting to become a chapter in my book, or one bloom that didn't grow quite right, rather than a ghost that thinks it can dictate how I try to move into my future, or a bog that can keep me trapped forever.

I don't want to define myself by how much hurt I can take or how many bad things might've happened to me. I deserve better than that, & to try to be better, & to try to focus on the good I have now, even if things are still scary & uncertain.

I can be honest w/myself & loved ones about how bad I feel sometimes, while still pinning the badges of good things on myself. even if sometimes the only ones I can claim for the day are "got out of bed" or "fed myself"—that's something.

& it's definitely more than the bad & the hurt try to make me out to be. I'm so much more than how much pain & hurt I can carry—and that's what I deserve.

(end thread!)

one last thing: if this is tldr;, this thread is basically this:

some context: Lily & Vivian have been stuck in their house for years, terrified of the outside. losing their niece broke them, made them (apparently) lifetime shut-ins. finally, Vivian snaps, exhausted by Lily's refusal of any chance for both of them to even try to be better.

they're comfortable in their unhappiness. it's easier to stay in their misery than trying to find ways to move forward, or to feel better. & no just *trying* doesn't automatically fix all their neuroses or sadness, but at least it's *something*. how do you know until you try?

(last note: Pushing Daisies has been helping me in my healing process more than I initially realized, & there's a reason why I keep this quote so close to my heart. basically it just means: try. just try. just keep going. you deserve to be happy.)