tw: suicide / depression
for a majority of my life I've been extremely suicidal, my bestfriend/(then) boyfriend and I would make the regular "I wanna die" jokes, send funny suicidal memes, what not, I'm sure we all do it now and then saying "we're dead inside" etc etc 1/n

we don't know how often we're serious about what we're saying, we don't know what the other person is actually thinking
for all we know maybe saying it over and over is actually reinforcing the idea in our heads 2/n

he committed suicide two months ago and I haven't been dealing with it properly at all, and I honestly don't even know how to
his family went through his phone and obviously saw our chats together and assumed I was a negative influence on his mind 3/n

oddly, due to the shock my own suicidal tendencies have disappeared, it's ironic that it had to take the death of the one person I love the most to make me realise how valuable life actually is 4/n

I'm not saying I'm blame myself but I really do believe the shit we say and share and what not everyday does have some impact on our subconscious, and idk, I just wish our generation wasn't romanticising the idea of suicide or depression, I've been one to do it myself 5/n

but coming from someone who lost a huge part of their life to this bs, to know that someone I cared so much about really took their life, it really puts things into perspective. it angers me seeing people caption things saying I can't wait to die or whatever. 6/n

I know, I've been the kind to say it too. and it took me so much to lose to realise that we shouldn't be normalising suicidal speech. most of my art itself used to be around such themes and I'm consciously trying not to do that anymore.

I know all this comes from a really personal space, but all this talk took away a really special person from me, and I don't want anyone else to have experience the same things to understand what I'm saying.

i just think we need to give each other hope more than we talk about giving up or pulling the plug.

which is why if you're going through something, anything at all, please speak up. please please please. tell the people around you, even if you think no one gives a shit about you, please speak to someone or go to a professional for help.

vivek thought no one would worry if he left. he even broke up with me a month prior and waited until I moved on before he actually called it quits. I wish he knew how many people cried over him. I wish he saw how many of his friends showed up for his funeral.

i was the only person in his life to know he was suicidal and depressed. he didn't want me to tell anyone and I respected that. but now I regret all of it. maybe I should've told someone, maybe I should've gotten help for him.

I can go on and on questioning these things, but we all know what's done is done.
I can only implore you guys, please, take it from my experience, please just communicate with people. please, just tell the people you love how much u love them. please just fucking speak up.