I’ve been making gifs every day for 4 years today (in general almost 8), and I have some weird feelings.

I have failed in every possible way you can imagine, and I continue to fail daily. The only constant thing for me through my failures has been my dailies.

Making them was the only thing to get me out of bed most of the time. I don’t think I’d still be here if it wasn’t for them.

I get really emotional thinking about those dark days. Making loops was all that I had. I developed a warped sense of self around them. There was a period where I thought if I didn’t have something ready to post exactly at 12pm, I was a failure.

Spring/Summer 2018 was by far the worst of my depression. After a series of consistent job rejections, I completely spiraled. I honestly have no idea why, or how I kept going.

When I went viral later that same year, I was massively hit with imposter syndrome. It was the first time people wanted to work with me for what I bring to the table artistically. I couldn’t handle pretending like I had my shit together for clients, when I clearly didn’t.

The more it went on, the more I felt like I am now just a product, and not a human being. It was heartbreaking to be so disposable.

Working with people I had dreamed of working with for years in 2019 completely destroyed me. The majority of last year was a cycle of anxiety attacks, and then trying to recover. I didn’t believe I was worthy of working with my heroes.

I thought I had to say yes to every job, otherwise I might not get another chance. I had been working for this for 7 years. I couldn’t afford to fail.

I not only had to say yes to every job, I had to be perfect at those jobs. When a client asks for 3 samples, I have to give them 6. I have to render everything out within 24 hours of getting their emails.

I have to prove to clients that I’m deserving of a callback. And then when you don’t, it’s demoralizing. “Was I not perfect enough? Was I too slow?” were questions I’d ask myself.

I’m still recovering from last year. I wish I could wrap everything together with a bow and say it’s all better now, but I can’t. I’ve tried everything to try to change my relationship with everything that happened in 2019, and nothing has worked.

I have no intention of stopping. I’ve come so far, and in many ways feel like I’ve only just begun. I can’t give up now. I don’t want to live in a reality where last year was just a fluke.

PS: I’m so thankful for the people who I’ve worked with so far this year, who’ve been nothing but kind and respectful. I’ll know I’ve made it when everyone I work with treats me the exact same way.