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To answer this I'm gonna write a mini thread
This is going to be a long explanation but bear with me:
If 3 people are involved in a car accident, outcomes:
1 stops driving
1 never passes that road again
1 never drives that brand of car again
Same trauma different outcomes. https://twitter.com/justdeola_/status/1246461381341319169
This is going to be a long explanation but bear with me:
If 3 people are involved in a car accident, outcomes:
1 stops driving
1 never passes that road again
1 never drives that brand of car again
Same trauma different outcomes. https://twitter.com/justdeola_/status/1246461381341319169
Research has shown that the narratives we tell ourselves about our trauma is more important than the trauma itself. And various factors influence this.
*Cue in cultural factors surrounding sex and virginity.*
*Cue in cultural factors surrounding sex and virginity.*
In society from the day you are born as a woman, you are told that your purity, honor and worth comes from the hymen covering your vagina aka your virginity.
From birth, we are taught to protect this from all prey and predator till a knight worthy of us arrives.
From birth, we are taught to protect this from all prey and predator till a knight worthy of us arrives.
So this is what we spend the better half of our lives doing, now after being told this your whole life, imagine you are raped, in literal terms the source of your "worth" has been taken from you.
Cue *self identity crisis*
"Who am I if I am not a pure chaste virgin?"
Cue *self identity crisis*
"Who am I if I am not a pure chaste virgin?"
And for those who are raped as children, society continues to tell you, you are used and compared you to other women who are still pure and chaste.
Cue "self hatred"
"I cannot be worthy of love if I am not pure and intact"
Cue "self hatred"
"I cannot be worthy of love if I am not pure and intact"
Let's flip the script boys on the other hand are trained as conquerors, no one is giving them home training lessons on keeping virginity, Sunday school classes aren't led with themes such as "Boys, keep thyself". Nope that's for girls. Boys are to play ball and be merry
Boys are however told by older boys,movies, porn, etc that sex is a rite of passage to becoming a man and even better if this sex is with an older woman.
Other boys have bragging rites about how they had "sex" with their hot cousins friend over the holdidays.
Cue "Peer pressure"
Other boys have bragging rites about how they had "sex" with their hot cousins friend over the holdidays.
Cue "Peer pressure"
D dilemma begins, young John knows he doesn't understand sex but all the other boys are doing it so why not.
So when older aunt Meg preys on him despite how uncomfortable he may feel he allows it to happen and when he's cheered on by other boys, he sees it as conquest not abuse.
So when older aunt Meg preys on him despite how uncomfortable he may feel he allows it to happen and when he's cheered on by other boys, he sees it as conquest not abuse.
20 years later John is in my office and says "o yea my first sexual experience was at 12 with my 25 year old aunt"
I go "do you think you were abused?"
"Nope, I wanted it, it was sex not abuse, if I was abused wouldn't I be damaged, but look at me, I'm fine"
I go "do you think you were abused?"
"Nope, I wanted it, it was sex not abuse, if I was abused wouldn't I be damaged, but look at me, I'm fine"
John will never see it as abuse because it's a narrative he's told himself all his life. That he had sex and wasn't raped.
To admit he was raped would challenge his self identity and require him to face certain truths he may be unwilling to handle.
(Ps: Not all men are like this)
To admit he was raped would challenge his self identity and require him to face certain truths he may be unwilling to handle.
(Ps: Not all men are like this)
So you can see how the narratives society dishes out to us influences how we feel about trauma.
Once watched a documentary about a certain tribe where beating your wife is a sign of love. A woman said
"If my husband doesn't beat me in a week, I feel unloved"
Once watched a documentary about a certain tribe where beating your wife is a sign of love. A woman said
"If my husband doesn't beat me in a week, I feel unloved"
Swap that with a western first world woman and we would hear domestic violence, GBV etc. But for that culture that is how love is shown and will continue to be shown until they learn different.
This is why we must all be open to learning and unlearning.
This is why we must all be open to learning and unlearning.
I know that I have not accounted for all the factors here but this is a rudimentary explanation of why men and women may view sexual abuse differently.
If you are reading this and have opposing views, I'd be glad to hear them and discuss further.
If you are reading this and have opposing views, I'd be glad to hear them and discuss further.
Also if you are a survivor of sexual violence man or woman,please reach out to us at. @StandtoEndRape as our team is willing to counsel you through your journey.
