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My saviour complex coupled with my perfectionism was rooted in my trauma. I had never really known love outside of the labour I did or the things I achieved. I also never felt worthy of love but I could accept appreciation.
My mother and I have always had a complicated relationship. But til this day whenever she expresses love or gratitude for my existence, she only talks about the fact that ndikhutela and that I’ve always been responsible and smart. She barely knows me outside of that.
Similar thing with my siblings although it’s changing because they’re old now and we’re building an actual relationship. But before, our relationship was me fixing and doing everything for them.
I also attended white schools that were drenched in racism especially in primary school. So I was always going to have to negotiate my existence with the teachers and students. I overcompensated by being a good student and always performing labour for my friends since.
Even when I had crush. I was the ugly and fat black girl they’d obviously never like. But at least they’d appreciate me if I did things for them and clear any obstacles in their way. I always felt like I had to earned love and I could never be loved just because.
But also life has always handed me trauma, so sometimes being there for others people was also a way of escaping/avoiding to deal with my own darkness.
Nwabisa is right, though having a saviour complex is selfish, no matter the trauma that informs it. It also doesn’t *really* serve you or the people you love. It’s toxic.
