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Inspired by @thesamwisest, a story of my own ableism, shared with my partner's consent. [1/21] #Disability #Ableism
My partner has prosopagnosia -- an inability to recognize faces. She literally cannot tell faces apart. For example, if she sees the same person in different clothes with a different haircut, she'll think they're different people. [2/21]
If I shaved my beard tomorrow, she wouldn't know who I was until I moved or spoke.
Ironically, I have the opposite -- I'm what scientists term a super-recognizer. I can tell twins apart. I can recall, pretty much instantly, the faces of people I knew briefly decades ago. [3/21]
Ironically, I have the opposite -- I'm what scientists term a super-recognizer. I can tell twins apart. I can recall, pretty much instantly, the faces of people I knew briefly decades ago. [3/21]
The people who spawned her were, to put it mildly, extremely negligent, and unwilling to countenance the possibility that their offspring were anything other than totally abled in every way. As a result, her disability was never acknowledged, much less accounted for. [4/21]
She assumed everyone was like her, because her disability is invisible.
We've joked about it for years. I'd say things like, "Well, thank goodness you can't see faces, or else I wouldn't have stood a chance with you." Tee hee, all very funny, no? [5/21]
We've joked about it for years. I'd say things like, "Well, thank goodness you can't see faces, or else I wouldn't have stood a chance with you." Tee hee, all very funny, no? [5/21]
Lately, she's become increasingly aware that her disability is, in fact, not the norm. Not even close to the norm. She's been showing me photos and asking if they're the same people. Often times, they are not. She can usually tell gender from faces, but not always. [6/21]
But put together, say, Ryan Reynolds and Henry Cavill's faces? She'd think they're the same person. Male, dark hair, pale skin? Same guy.
She's had nightmares about trying to discern between our baby and other babies at social events, and taking the wrong child. [7/21]
She's had nightmares about trying to discern between our baby and other babies at social events, and taking the wrong child. [7/21]
She's had nightmares about being in a crowd and looking for me, but all the men are bald with goatees, so she can't find me. [8/21]
Suddenly, her disability isn't cute or funny or harmless. And, I'm learning, it hasn't been that way for a long time. She adjusted, because her disability is invisible and was never allowed to be acknowledged. [9/21]
But it's slowly built up trauma over time, trauma that is now manifesting itself, as she's suddenly responsible for another life.
I've stopped making jokes, and started doing a ton of research about her disability, and how to develop coping tools around it. [10/21]
I've stopped making jokes, and started doing a ton of research about her disability, and how to develop coping tools around it. [10/21]
As we talk more openly about it, I am learning how it impacts every aspect of her life. She keeps asking me if people we know in common are considered attractive or not. [11/21]
She is curious about her own face, which she can no more remember than she can remember or see mine. Is she pretty? Is she weird-looking? Can I tell who she is if she dyes her hair? I CAN?! AMAZING! [12/21]
After 9 years together, I am finally learning that it's more than just "oh, well, she sometimes has trouble telling similar people apart." [13/21]
She can't follow trailers for movies, because she can't tell which actor is which, unless they happen to be speaking. In most cases, it's "look at all the white dudes doing things," when it may in fact just be one white dude in different clothes. [14/21]
I am learning that she recognizes people by gait and specific things that stand out, like my baldness and goatee. But when I broke my ankle a few years back? She had no idea who I was until I got very close, because my gait was different. [15/21]
Can you imagine how terrifying that would be? Living in a world full of faceless people, never knowing if you were talking to someone you knew until you'd memorized their voices or the way they walked or that they had a visible scar or a really distinctive haircut... [16/21]
...or a particular tattoo? She knew three girls in high school and thought they were the same person...for years! [17/21]
Can you imagine holding down a job in customer service, as she has, where you see the same people over and over, and have to pretend you recognize them, never being sure if you're unintentionally offending someone? [18/21]
Being told you were weird, because you'd start up conversations based on who you -thought- someone was, only to find out they were someone else? [19/21]
I thought I understood. I did -not- understand. But I'm learning. I never thought of myself as ableist, but here I am, realizing that I've unintentionally marginalized someone I love for -almost a decade-. [20/21]
I'm going to do better. I hope this thread helps others to do the same. [21/21]
