Story Time!

Parents weekend is a glorious time for drivers. Parents come to town and need rides, driving up the surge. They go out drinking with their kids, trying to relive their past glories. Parents are also big tippers. They also like to embarrass their kids.

Enter Karen.

Karen jumped in the front seat and hugged me, then apologized for being drunk. Her daughter climbed in the back while Karen explained she'd had 3 glasses of wine. She never drank this much, and she'd had THREE. WHOLE. GLASSES.

Her daughter sighed from the back seat. Off we went.

A song came on the radio, and Karen freaked out. Can we turn this up? I love this song! She sang along for a little bit before leaning in close to explain "it's from the soundtrack to that new movie... the Fifty Shades one..."

(it was this song, btw)

Her daughter turned a bit red in the backseat.

"Mom, I don't think he needs to hear about..."

"Are you familiar with those movies, Mr. YRD?"

I said I hadn't seen them, but I knew they were based on some books.

"OH MY GOD, THEY'RE *AMAZING*! THEY'VE CHANGED MY LIFE!"

Karen proceeded to give me a detailed overview of the plot of Fifty Shades of Grey. Her daughter gave a few more appeals for quiet. Mom ignored her.

"They're great! They really spiced things up at home!"

Her daughter sank down and buried her face in her phone, turning redder.

Sensing an opportunity for hilarity, I egged mom on a little.

"Oh really, how so?"

Karen apologized if this was too graphic. She normally wouldn't say this, but I seemed nice, and she was so drunk. And she'd had

THREE.

GLASSES.

OF.

WINE.

What followed was a far-too-detailed description of Karen and her husband exploring BDSM.

"My husband loves the ball gag!" I remember her saying.

Her daughter turned purple from embarrassment in the backseat.

"We even turned our guest room into a home playroom!"

That caught her daughter's attention.

"Mom... the house doesn't have a guest room..."

Mom didn't miss a beat.

"Oh, that's what we call your old room. Anyway, we bought all these toys and my favorite one is..."

If you've ever wondered what the exact moment someone acquires PTSD looks like, it is the face of a college student realizing her parents are having weird sex in her childhood bedroom.

And Dad is the bottom.

We pulled up outside their destination, and Karen hugged me again. Thanks for listening, she said. Sorry to talk so much, but that's what happens when I've had too much. I can't believe I had 3 glasses of wine!

Her daughter appeared ready to welcome death's sweet embrace.

They got out, and Karen pressed a 5 dollar bill into my hand.

"Read those books!" she called to me.

I resolved to do no such thing.