Read on Twitter
tw tweet: in 2018, i did the stupidest thing i could have ever, ever done; i lost my will to live. i lost my will to live so i thought up of all the ways to shorten my life in the least painful way; i knew i didn& #39;t want to c*t or bu*n myself-
so, what i thought was the least painful way, i started to cut down on what i ate every day. it started as "forgetting" to eat a full breakfast that would give me the energy i needed to last throughout the day, fully knowing that i would sabotage myself
because i would fake forget to eat a good breakfast or just straight-up fake forget to eat breakfast at all, always making up an excuse that i was rushing or i had simply forgotten in the midst of everything to my mum. i knew it made mum mad but, i didn& #39;t care
that was the least i cared about, making my mum mad, i didn& #39;t care at all. all i cared about was starting my journey of who knows where, the hospital, maybe or death, i didn& #39;t care. as long as i got somewhere that wasn& #39;t continuing this life, i was happy.
then, after just "forgetting" to eat one meal, it became me starting to just neglect myself food. being at school as a 15-year-old girl and in year 10 was stressful, it was when exams were starting and when high school was starting to shit serious, however, i had not a care.
however, as the year went on, there were days i& #39;d eat so much that the next day, there was no way for me to eat so i& #39;d eat little, or nothing and blamed it on a dumb reason that i can& #39;t remember for the life of me.
then, there were other days when i didn& #39;t eat anything the day before so the next day i& #39;d get so hungry that i would just eat and then eat rarely anything the next day and that cycle kept on going for ages.
the worst thing about this was, people were complimenting me saying that i was looking good and that i had lost weight. at the time, i was happy, although that wasn& #39;t my intention, my intention being dying, not losing weight.
i was somewhat satisfied as it seemed like i was getting somewhere in my efforts so, i was pleased with what people were saying so, i kept on doing it. when, all of a sudden, people were starting to read through the cracks of what I was doing.
they started noticing that i wasn& #39;t taking much care of myself and that i wasn& #39;t eating, they were catching on to what i was doing after i had convinced them, they started to become suspicious.
worst thing being, my mum and brother slowly were starting to realise what i was doing to myself. my brother especially, coming over to me and asking me if i was anorexic at one point, to which i turned to him with the deathiest stares of death stares and told him i wasn& #39;t
and how rude it was of him to ask that to me. especially when all we had been doing was arguing at that point, now he decided to care? yeah right, i wasn& #39;t going to fall for what my brother was doing. however, it only took me that spur of anger and what he said to realise;
that maybe, he was right and i was becoming anorexic. it dawned on me that, although i wasn& #39;t cutting deep cuts into my skin or destroying it by burning it, i was still ruining myself by neglecting myself food and self-care. i was slowly wasting away and feeling weak
however, i didn& #39;t know how to stop myself from the sudden routine that i suddenly became accustomed to and became comfortable with. so, i found out that i couldn& #39;t stop myself on my own, i needed help and i needed it quickly
i knew i couldn& #39;t exactly go to my mum or the doctor as my mum would think i was crazy and that i was always in need of help but, this time i was but, the fear i had of going to her was overwhelming that, the only people i could go to were my friends.
all of a sudden, my friends would start to force me to eat at recess and lunch whether i liked it or not and whether i could physically stomach the idea or not
as, because i had gotten so used to it, when i would usually be hungry and go to eat, i would be able to however, because of this new routine, my brain would stop myself from that feeling of being hungry because that& #39;s what i trained myself to be doing all the time.
however, the longer my friends forced me to eat, the longer i would start to make cracks in the routine and i would slowly start to feel hungry again and eat when i felt that sensation. there were days however when that cycle of me not eating would come back
and, nearly two years later, it still happens where i will eat but not as much as normal because of that routine of not eating a lot because i was so used to that sensation of being hungry but not being able to eat.
this on and off cycle kept on going from maybe the last two months of 2018 to the first month and a half of 2019 where i would eat properly and then days where i would get back into that old cycle of not eating;
however, the will to live that i mentioned at the start was slowly starting to come back and i was starting to become stronger and stronger. strong enough to keep that will to live and to not let it go. it& #39;s now april 2020 and, let& #39;s just say that although i do have my off days
that old cycle has started to slowly fade away and i& #39;m starting to come back to the girl i once was before i hatched that disgusting plan to let go of my life like it was some stupid piece of nothing that needed to be put in the rubbish bin.
i deserve better than what i let that little, dirty, rotten voice say in the back of my head. i deserve better than letting that little fucking shit take control of my life, thinking it knows my life better than i do. yeah, bullshit honey! i take control of my life, it& #39;s my car
and i& #39;m controlling where it drives and stops over at, not this high-pitched little baby voice that thinks it knows everything
the reason for this thread was because i felt like people who go through what i went and still go through don& #39;t have enough voices for them to be heard. they deserve more attention than some stupid news that is seen on our twitter timelines.
it& #39;s time we let people know; you are not alone, you were never alone. i love you so much, as does everyone else reading this 
https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="❤️" title="Red heart" aria-label="Emoji: Red heart">https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🦋" title="Butterfly" aria-label="Emoji: Butterfly">
