Govt: We're talking to supermarkets
Supermarkets: You're not.

Govt: There's a shortage of chemicals
Chemicals companies: There isn't

Govt: The science has changed
Scientists: No it hasn't

Govt: We never got the email
EU: Yes you did

Govt: 25,000 tests per day
PHE: 7,000 tests per day

Govt: Ventilator companies are making ventilators for us
Ventilator Companies: you never got back to us. Dyson are though.

Govt: We've got 30,000 ventilators coming
Dyson: actually, it's 30 for now

Govt: PPE has been delivered
NHS: No it hasn't

Govt: We've built the Nightingale
Nurses: but no one can staff it though

Govt: Unprecedented economic package!
Self-employed: Not until June!

Govt: Banks will give you short term loans
Banks: 40% overdraft rates and we want your home as collateral

Govt: Save the NHS
Me: You bastards have been killing it for the last decade

Govt: We are not pursuing Herd immunity
WHO: Yes you are

Govt: We are not lying
Media: oh ok, good job old boy