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okay it& #39;s time for some late night conference predictions so here we go:
president nelson will pull a mask off his face revealing that he is in fact two children in a trench coat wearing a mask made of human skin
no one having told mack wilberg that the choir won& #39;t be there in person, he& #39;ll break down into cascade of loud sobs thinking the entire choir has died in a bus accident on the way to the conference center, president nelson will have him roughly thrown out of the building by goons
elder cook will finish his talk with an awkward dab, after which elder uchtdorf will yell that he looks like a "dork ass nerd" and all the auxiliary presidency members will start laughing while he walks from the rostrum crying like a dork ass nerd
the church accountant will do some accounting shit, no one will care, 10,000 unclever assholes will tweet about the church skewing its membership numbers by baptizing clones and ask why the church isn& #39;t donating more cattle from its florida ranch to glue factories
the two children who make up president nelson will hurl themselves at each other like station from bill and ted& #39;s bogus journey forming one massive (president nelson sized) child that will put the skin mask back on and we& #39;ll continue as normal
president oaks will announce that any woman who wants the priesthood must pay a tribute to the blood god by bringing to him their husbands& #39; heads in a sack sewn together from nettles. the streets of utah valley will run with blood.
elder holland will spend 11 hours reading the names of every temple recommend holding member of the church and calling them a "basic bitch." he will also end his talk with a dab which elder uchtdorf will call "bitchin" then smirk in the direction of a still sobbing elder cook
president skin mask will announce that the word of wisdom has been changed to allow members to drink green tea. "that& #39;s right, we& #39;re giving you the absolute shittiest one. suck it," he& #39;ll say.
during the sustaining, despite the conference center being completely empty, some asshole will still yell "OBJECTION!"
"literally no one cares, you try hard dickhead," president eyring will reply. he will not dab.
"literally no one cares, you try hard dickhead," president eyring will reply. he will not dab.
twitter will be an insufferable cesspool of negativity and cynicism tearing down any modicum of happiness you could hope to gain from what should otherwise be a spiritually uplifting event.
