I feel like no matter what friends I make or what I do, I always end up alone or somehow unintentionally pushed out of the group. This is why I hate putting effort into friends. I finally now have a group of friends for once and I feel like a black sheep already after 3 months.

I enjoy talking to them. I have a lot of fun, but I also feel like I am often at odds with people. Not in an argumentative way, but because I like exploring multiple viewpoints in any discussion. I like asking why or who or how and exploring that.

However, I feel that i am also a very boring person. I don't play games. I don't watch TV. I don't have streaming services. My life is sleep, day job, eat, draw, and my cat Miso. Why would ANYONE want to talk to me anyway? All work and no play has made me a very dull person.

But also, being a partnered artist with a brand means I am hyper aware of my content type, analytics and audience. I watch it ALL very closely and sometimes it feeds my paranoia. My imposter syndrome. Do I deserve it?

I love fun carefree conversations over chats and voice chats, but when branded or representing someone, you cannot be so loose-lipped. I am praying that my friends understand and don't hate me for "being too good for that". I pray they don't see it that way. Please forgive me.

I am so afraid I will end up all alone again with almost no friends. People come and go, but most of my life I have felt like I had only a few if any friends. I know my negativity in this thread won't help. Again, please forgive me. Goodnight.