Going to ramble... sorry
Maybe getting my thoughts out there into the void might help a little. I have no clue... I feel a little lame. Kinda like, I don't know... imposter syndrom? Is that it? Or something else... basically, I feel like i'm over blowing my feelings.

Like I'm playing a part in a story rather then real feelings. And yet, real my feelings are.

Sometimes, I dont' notice my muffled feelings. I've always lived through stories. My life has never felt exactly... interesting or powerful.

And I'm often too scared or feel like i'm lacking something to even try new things.

But these heroes? These characters? These stories? I feel them. It's a big reason why I care so much about female characters. I look at feel so dumpy and garbage in real life.

And I beat myself up for not even trying. I've known I'm trans since the summer of '14. Nearly 6 years. And I've done almost nothing. I still have the same shitty fuzz on my face. My hair is getting worse. I'm slowly putting on more weight... I'm nearly at my 40s.

I see so many other trans folk having these wonderful glow ups, and I wish I could be them. I see so many lovely woman of different sizes and shapes, both trans and cis and then I look down and everything about me projects the form of a man.

I see in the mirror a lost, aging, and even mildly privilaged man.

That isn't who I think I am. It isn't who I really am... but it's hard to get past that image. The image, the voice, the feeling of a slobby skin suit.

Its why I adore magic transformation stories.

Slow or fast, erotic or innocent.

to become fully the person I wish to be.

I want that. That magic.

But magic, at least like that, isn't real. There are some procedures in different stages of discovery, but still, even if some of them were complete and avalible, I don't have that kind of money, even with the insurance I still have at the moment...

And thats the other thing. I have insurance again. Just got it back this year.

I could see about contacting some therapist... but not only with this crisis do I feel like i'm taking up time that someone else could use,

but I'm too anxious and lacking in the mental energy often to make the contact I need to get the ball rolling.

I keep thinking to myself:
I'm not as bad off as others.
What if they try to convince me that I'm not who I know myself to be?

The good therapists are needed to help people.
The bad ones, I've known, like to read into things they way without considering things beyond their own narrow experience.

I may be dragging my feet on it, but I know I am a woman and I do not want to waste my time with some quack that isn't upto date on shit...

... and I also don't want to waste time better used for those in more need.

But now?
Now, here we are... A Pandemic. The stuff of hollywood movies and thriller novels.

Wars happen far away and i've been lucky enough to have family for support and to be in a space where I have just enough oppertunity to keep my head afloat.

so, i've been coasting along in my adult life for the last 20 years.

But here we are.

Shelter In Place.

Its been nearly 3 weeks already for me. I barely realized yesterday was thursday.

My work officially stated yesterday that we are out till at least the end of the month and the current Lockdown is till at least May the 3rd.

And it started to hit me. Probably helped by the anxiety I felt after my stream last night.

That this is my life. Our life. For the next month.

I can still see my mom now and then, but we have to be careful beyond that. And while I love my aunts, I REALLY don't want to deal with them right now. My brother is cool, but he lives with said aunts.

What physical friends I have in the area I have either lost direct contact with for years or have moved away. Only my girlfriend is near.

Across the city.

And while her family is nice, neither do I really want to hang with them nor worry them at all...

Its not that human contact alone will help right now. I need close friends, people I feel confortable being close too, chatting random innane shit too.

And I don't have that. I won't have that.

For a month at least.

I am thankful that I have you guys. I'm glad I can still chat with my girlfriend online. And I hope that once I process these feelings that tomorrow I'll have a renewed fervor.
It won't last the whole month. Maybe not even the week. but even taking it a day at a time will be fine

But it's still going to be a month. A month in shelter.

Which brings me back to the first tweets in this thread: The sense that my emotions are not real, just proformance... But they are real.

Just a bit ago, I listened to the original version of 'Shelter' (you all know the one). And like I said in the other tweet thread, the story isn't the same, but the emotional aspect, the loneliness is.

It took watching a sappy, tug at your heart strings music vid to shake me out of the muddy head space. I'm not feeling better... but i'm feeling.

And part of me feels ashamed and silly for it.
But thats exactly why I have always loved art. Sometimes you want, even NEED to feel.

I don't know what this next month is going to have in store for any of us.

It's super scary right now.

All I have to keep me steady is the screens before me, the sounds in my ear, and the art that others and even myself have and will create during this time.

It feels hyperbolic to think of how important art is in keeping us alive, but sometimes, it really is a powerful medicine.

...

I don't know where this ramble thread really ends, but I'm just going to stop there for now...

But, as sappy as it might be, and maybe as much as it might hurt, I'm going to link that song here, because maybe some of you are in the same spot as I am and need something to shake it loose.

(warning, this -is- a song that will make you cry)