My kids chose to watch Percy Jackson/The Lightening Thief tonight and wow, I was not adequately prepared for just his bad this really is.

Forget 'yer a wizard, Harry!' this whole 'you're a demigod son of Poseidon' reveal is 1,000x worse. It's like they condensed the book into its least exciting form which yes, even includes the supposedly clever quips.

This cast includes:

Logan Lerman
Pierce Brosnan
Sean Bean
Steve Coogan
Uma Thurman
Rosario Dawson
Catherine Keener
Joe Pantoliano

... What happened? No seriously, I'm asking for real. What happened?

I forgot to add that Poseidon is played by none other than Owen Hunt, who brings his negative ginger energy everywhere he goes.

I don't care how much people ragged on Aquaman; at least they got Jason Momoa

And I know castings of beloved books is always fraught with controversy, but THEY DIDN'T EVEN MAKE ANNABETH FUCKING BLONDE.

literally every other line in the book is about her "wild blonde hair and stormy grey eyes" this is so easy give the girl a wig please I'm begging you

Uma Thurman has been in some bad movies before (hello, Super Ex-Girlfriend) but this is definitely a low point.

OH MY GOD PERCY IS HOLDING A CELL PHONE THAT'S LIKE LITERALLY THE FIRST THING THEY ADDRESS IN THE BOOKS THEY DON'T USE TECHNOLOGY DID THE SCREENWRITER EVEN *OPEN* THE BOOK

Ok so they chopped Uma's head off so by calculation she was in this movie for approximately 3.5 minutes how much do we think she was paid by minute?

cool cool cool now they're Skyping because that makes even less sense than FaceTiming with the cell phones they inexplicably have because who *wouldn't* carry a laptop on a rigorous adventure

Percy. Is. Flying. Now.

Does the whole "son of Poseidon" mean nothing? Or just imagined healing powers they've given him for this movie bc apparently explain nectar and ambrosia is too difficult a cinematic ask.

They're playing Lady Gaga's Poker Face to a montage and honestly how dare they

Pierce Brosnan's whispering omnipotent voice makes me nostalgic for his singing in Mamma Mia

You know what's making this experience extra brutal though? We're watching it On demand on USA so there are non-fast forward-able commercials, dragging this thing out for h o u r s

Persphone just showed up in the Underworld on June 21st so forget following the book, have these writers even read Greek Mythology???

I just...make it end, please. I hate this so much. No wonder Rick Riordan disavowed it. I honestly cannot imagine writing something so wonderful and seeing it translated SO poorly.

They had unlimited budget for special effects *and* casting yet this is what they ended up with

oH eM GeE LoOk hOw biG tHe gOdS aRe

And look, I know this is a petty hill to die on, but not one single person wears a friggin orange t-shirt in this entire movie.

It's over now and somehow we are still alive, but just know that I will never get this image out of my head, and not in a good way. /Fin