I am descending into insanity, so let's talk about food.

Pizza! One of humanity's greatest achievements.

I don't understand people who eat one pickle, or even two pickles. I want to eat half to a whole jar of pickles.

Broccoli and Brussels sprouts are vegetables just cheating. Too good.

Some zoos have had to stop feeding animals bananas because we've bred too much sugar into them to suit our own tastes.

I love to pair wine, Scotch, and cocktails with food, but at the end of the day, if you offered me one kind of beverage to go with a meal, it would be a beer. And I don't drink much beer? So that's odd.

Pineapple on pizza is good and the haters can go back to eating cardboard.

If you've never made spaghetti squash, do it, but don't expect it to be as good as real pasta.

That goes for almost every "healthy substitution."

I eat cauliflower rice but you're out of your damn mind if it isn't just chewing on weird mushy nubs.

Cast iron is great, but calm down already. Just mention "cast iron" around a white person and watch them light up.

Fine dining is great but don't give me a chef's tasting and expect me not to want to grab food on the way home.

Steaks are better in the pan than on the grill.

I'll fight someone over this.

Remember the tweet about pickles?

Same thing with a jar of salsa.

Potatoes are bullshit. Unless they're fried in some way, miss me with them.

SWEET potatoes, on the other hand, are divine.

Why do some soups splash so much more than others?

Chisel "Season with salt and pepper" onto the headstones of every chef at Green Chef/Blue Apron/etc.

You know a person's soul by how they handle clearing the remnants of a few pretzels out of their teeth.

My alma mater included an introductory wine tasting/grading/sommelier session in it's graduation schedule, in case you had any questions about how WASPy it was.

I enjoyed it, in case you needed to know anything about me.

Seriously, well-done steaks should be criminal, and under my administration they will be.