long personal thread. this only happens every fourth october on a Waxing Funky Moon, so get ready

1. i know it's Mommy Blogger Eugenics to say "this nd person is a Burden on their friends/family" or "they are Trapped behind the Autism Wall" but that is, sometimes, how i feel about Just Myself and to clarify nobody else ever

2. there is so much of me that just doesn't work. i have chronic headaches. chronic joint pain. textbook adhd. severe asthma. vertigo that is lately getting Very Worse. i was talking to my mom just now and literally thought i was falling over. i can't carry trays

3. (i think that might be brain damage but that's another story. thank u cousin adam) i am 5ft4 and 100kg and cannot exercise to any worthwhile amount because of all of the above. i walk with a cane. i get ugly looks at the gym.

4. i am a 22 year old masc nb, in the body of an old woman. very fat. very tired. currently in bed at 10:30 at night. every time i am dragged to the club i spend the whole time waiting to go home. (pub is fine. pub has Seating. i got kicked out of a club for sitting down.)

5. my brain goes at 100 miles an hour and sometimes i interrupt people and sometimes i forgo listening in favour of thinking about the next thing i'm going to say. i feel obnoxious and insufferable. i feel like i was so much more... neurotypical passing as a young teen.

6. and idk what happened. as a child i has a BOUNDLESS amount of energy. again, i don't know what happened. i hit puberty and everything went to shit. i am so tired of being so old, already. i don't feel like i have a future and certainly not another 70-80 years of it.

7. quite frankly it's a miracle i'm alive NOW not because i'm a suicide risk but because i don't need to be. anything could have killed me by now. the asthma almost did more times than i can count. i do kind of fear death, but only because i expect it.

8. and i cannot predict when it'll happen. and i feel like it's Really Fucking Annoying to those around me that i have no independence. i couldn't live alone. halls terrified me. i called my mom every night. that things Happen and they have to look after me.

9. i drop projects or take breaks for weeks because i just can't deal with it. my uncle died in december and then we had the storm and then this and i haven't been right since then, but also i haven't been right Ever because i'm not a functioning adult.

10. i wonder if my mom is bitter about that. my brother is autistic, but at least he grew up. he's smart and logical and Knows Things and has friends who i assume he doesn't piss off. i do genuinely feel trapped inside myself but i don't know who Me is. i don't feel like i exist.

11. i'm really just a collection of like... ideas and labels and whatever video game i'm currently into. i'm not d*a but i'm also not peregrine. one has evolved out of existence. one is an idyllic concept. i feel sometimes like i'm just a Body. not even a good body but alive ig.

12. for now.

anyway this thread was wild and incredibly self indulgent so here's a cool cow i found on my way to my mom's