“Welcome back to 106.5 The Rock (of Chickamauga), north Georgia’s Civil War-themed classic rock station. Coming up, it’s our hourly playing of The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down. But first, which 1860s personality would you wanna be quarantined with? Phone lines are open ...”

“Hi, Wolfman. First time, long time. I’d like to be quarantined with Burnside.”
“Really? You know he loved practical jokes, right? You gonna trust a guy who puts whoopie cushions down on every seat?”
“Hmm. I hadn’t thought of that.”
“Hey, neither did Lincoln. Next caller …”

“Hi, you’re on 106.5 The Rock (of Chickamauga).”
“I wanna be holed up with Joe Hooker.”
“Okaaay.”
“He’d have booze and tobacco and--”
“We don’t need to hear EVERYTHING he’d have. Kids are listening.”
“... just party all day with Sickles …”
“Sir, this sounds like a cry for help.”

“Hello, you’re on 106.5 The Rock (of Chickamauga). Who do you want to be isolated with?”
“Irish Rebel Gen. Patrick Cleburne.”
“Interesting. You know, he kept a pet racoon with him on campaign. In his tent.”
“... he did?”
“Yep. Wanna reconsider that choice?”
“As fast as possible.”

“Hi, you’re on 106.5 The Rock (of Chickamauga). Who do you want to be quarantined with?”
“Union Cavalry Gen. Ben Grierson.”
“That’s a great pick. He was funny, and he loved to play the piano. Endless hours of entertainment.”
“And if we run out of masks, we could use his beard.”

“You’re on 106.5 The Rock (of Chickamauga). Who’s your Civil War quarantine buddy?”
“Nathan Bedford Forrest.”
(drops call) “Hi, you’re on 106.5 The Rock (of Chickamauga). Who’s your quarantine buddy?”
“Jeff Davis.”
(drops call, turns to producer) “No more calls from Mar-a-Lago.”

“Hi, you’re on 106.5 The Rock (of Chickamauga). Who would you isolate with?”
“Nathaniel Banks! His nickname was Commissary Banks -- no need for a grocery store!”
“You think he walks around with Fruit Loops spilling out of his pockets?”
“It would explain the Red River Campaign.”

“Hi, you’re on 106.5 The Rock (of Chickamauga). Which Civil War personality do you want to quarantine with?”
“Sam Elliott.”
“Sure. He probably has a beef jerky fountain in his front yard. But Sam Elliott wasn’t IN the Civil War. That was just a movie.”
“Oh. Buster Kilrain, then.”

“Hi, you’re on 106.5 The Rock (of Chickamauga). Who would you be socially isolated with?”
“James Longstreet -- we could play poker and badmouth Jubal Early.”
“Hey, that’s a typical Saturday night for me.”
“Wanna come over?”
“I think you’re missing the point of SOCIAL ISOLATION.”

“Hi, you’re on 106.5 The Rock (of Chickamauga). Who’d be your Civil War quarantine pal?”
“Zargon the Dread, Ruler of the Xyrkkon Galaxy, 7th Age.”
“Ahh. We have a History Channel fan ...”
“Zargon can do anything! In Year 42, he came to Egypt and built the Great Wa--”
(drops call)

“Hi, you’re on 106.5 The Rock (of Chickamauga). Who do you want to be isolated with?”
“Stonewall.”
“He was humorless and sullen. His own men didn’t want to be alone with him. They say the only guy who made him laugh was JEB Stuart.”
“Well, I, too, find a plumed hat hilarious ..."

“Hi, you’re on 106.5 The Rock (of Chickamauga). Who’d be your quarantine buddy?”
“Walt Whitman.”
“Yes! You get nursing and poetry and self-exploration -- like an 1860s yoga retreat.”
“I might come out of this a better person.”
“Too late for that. You’re listening to THIS show.”

“You’re on 106.5 The Rock (of Chickamauga). Who’d you be isolated with?”
“Mary Chestnut. She keeps a great diary. We’ll need a record of this.”
“Can’t you keep a diary?”
“Umm. Is there an app for that?”
“No, there’s a PEN AND PAPER for that.”
“Is it on iTunes, or--”
(drops call)