Here’s a really long post about sobriety for some folks going through any shit by themselves in quarantine that no one asked for: It’s strange. Maybe just who i am lately. I look at pictures or memories on socials and my mind goes back. I remember this night. https://twitter.com/AssanteRyan/status/1245848738289123335

I remember this show and i remember the run. Part of it. I got wasted half way through the show. Blacked out after BJ did his acoustic set. I remember getting off the road and going home. and i just felt like the tank was empty.

Not in a “I’m tired” way but a “why don’t I feel anything” way. I should have. But i didn’t. Something was off and i didn’t know what it was. I hid a lot of things about myself during this time period. I lashed out a lot. Isolated myself emotionally. Was really really rude and

ugly to people who worked for me, to my friends, to loved ones. i was a nightmare to those who saw behind the curtain and saw who i really was. A miserable drunk singing songs about being sober. I felt like a hack. Cause I was a hack.

I knew I was a fake and I reminded myself of that every time I stood on a stage and lied to folks about being clean. this show was way after corners. And way after I had fallen off again.

“Fuck it. Tough it out till you get over whatever ‘funk’ you’re going through. It’s not gonna snowball. You can manage it”. If you’re an addict.. you can’t “manage it”. You’ll never “manage it”. If you’re like me. Youll tell yourself you’re good. I’ll just have one.

For me that “one” started in El Paso after a really really bad day and I didn’t finish it till a year later when everything I could break in my head and in my personal life was broken. But no one knew.

And that’s one of the really dark perks of being an addict, you’re a really really really great liar. No one knows, if you’re really good at hiding it. Your friends, your family, the ones you love. They might “think somethings up but they aren’t sure” until you

reach out to someone and ask for help. If you’re there right now, ask for it. It doesn’t make you a pussy. It’s the most courageous thing you can do. Don’t hesitate to reach out to folks. You’re not bothering them. I promise.

As for me I got a year and some change into a life i wish i would have had sooner. I envy the folks who quit it once and never touch it again. This is my third time. But it’s the longest and the most committed I’ve ever spent on sobriety.

This go around, actually living 24 hours at a time really got my life together. Still a scattered brained dipshit. Still got my bad days. But I got the tools I need to get out of them now. It all starts with reaching out. And i promise. Help is out there folks.

Not sure when the last time @USAquarium and I played a show together. But I know the next time i see them live, I’m gonna stage rape and sing every fuckin word to hurricane with him. thanks for listening.