28 Days of Personal Reflections and Thought. (Thread)

Day 1.
I have faith that I will be fine even within the uncertainties of our current reality
Its still too early on so I can only hope that I dont succumb to fear and overthinking while I am present in these moments.....

...I've learnt to live life within and without its trials so I'll never divorce from my own reality,
Because while life remains constant, the year takes its course,
Time will not wait for you, it wont wait for us

So I'm hoping that the one I have in my hands will heal the places within my soul that were left in shatters
When you decided against what I was convinced for
And that your own reflection brings you to the same place I reside

When all is said and done, I would still give his heart a warm meal and a place to rest.

DAY 2

I washed my linen today and made made some purple rice.
I hate chores, yet when I do them I'm always so thorough.
I told him, I hate chores and he said "I don't expect you to do any chore when you're here, I have a helper"
"I'm not lazy I just don't enjoy them"
"Okay" he replied.

I'm geeking out in recollections
I'm reminded of the mornings I would wake up to make you pancakes and bacon for breakfast.
I hate chores yet it felt so effortless
"Would you like some coffee or a soda with your serving?

There i was domesticating myself for love
Like I'm not the same person who swore they would never be caught in acts of service for a man who is not promised to them.
Yet there I was, In a labour of love and I enjoyed it.
Anything for him.

What wouldn't I do for the man I loved?
It was everything I swore I would never do.
Yet here I am Making purple rice and wishing you were around to tell me you like whatever food I made for you.
He would say "Thank you" before, during and after having his meal.
I loved it.

It felt like nothing because I loved him.
I love him.
I hope we still have meals left to share in our future.

Day 3

A stranger told me I'm emotionally unavailable and I didnt question it.
Based off what I have so far garnered the strength to share and reflect on, I could see why.

I have always been present in all my dealings with the man of my interest.
My body and mind arrive to meet you,
But my emotions send their apologies.

They do not have any prior engagements, but they would rather not be shook up by the disarmament that comes with allowing myself to be completely vulnerable before you.

So even if I loved you, you would never know
Unless you can deduce the truth from my eyes,
When I look at you!
When you touch me!
When I am within your arms, feeling and believing you to be a safe base.

I cower, but they do not
They want to reveal themselves but I dare not
I am scared to let my guard down, even when you have proven to be my protector.

These are not conversations I have shared with you
But I wished I had opened up rather than cried myself to sleep while lying in your bed.
Jesus wept and so did I that night, all the while thinking about how I wish you knew how much I loved you.

If I had at least whispered it into your ears while you slept, perhaps it would have made it to your dreams
And you would know it to be true
Because dreams are visions of our reality, or so I've been told.

That is a memory of a moment passed and a moment lost
Whatever I am scared of now, I am working on,
For myself and your benefit
So I hope when the time is right,
You can let me pour myself into you bare and you will still be willing to cover me whole.

DAY 4

Today has been existentially taxing
I'm exhausted and barely holding on
Some wine and a nap to numb it all, only for a few hours
I try to live outside of my head and its chaos, but all coping mechanisms are temporary

these aches we struggle to survive follow us into our sheets and have found their seat at our tables
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" they said
How much strength does one human need in one lifetime?
There must be a point of full capacity, surely!

It is during these nights and within these moments that I am reminded of the value of your companionship

Trust, I can move mountains all by myself
Life has made that a necessity, second to breathing for survival

I dont want to come home to my solitude anymore
I want to be held and nurtured in comfort and know that I am at home with you and within you
I do not want to carry the weight of life on my own

Life has ensured that I have the strength to struggle through life's trials and tribulation
But I am tired of doing that all by myself.
So when you read this, please aid me with your heart.

*aide

DAY 5

I cut my finger while chopping an onion the other day
Tears have not stopped watering my cheeks since
Not from chopping the onion but from realising that my blood still reeks of you
I pressed the finger against my tongue to stop the bleeding and I could taste you

You have more control over my being than you ever did when you were present,
How does that happen?
That a man leave me but I still can't draw him out from my blood?

I can't begin to count the numbers of times I've deleted your number from my phone only for me to store it back
Because my memory refuses to let go of the things I love

I want to call you and ask how you're holding up,
Are you well?
Are you eating?
How is your Mother doing?
Do I ever cross your mind when you think about the things you care about?

I'm struggling to let you go because my mind was so sure of you
How do I conclude wrong from something that felt right
Even in your absence my feelings remain

I've told you this and I'll say it again
I hope to meet your likeness in my future
I hope you meet me with the same love you had before your departure
The same love or better, because I can attest that absence makes the heart grow fonder