the whole point of this account was to remain true to myself but now i have to sit and wonder, am i really? is this what i want for myself? what makes me who i am is my friends, and they arent here, is this what i wanted? and can i go back? will i be able to return to normality?

some part of me thinks they don& #39;t really want me back, nor do they care, but another knows that ive brought this upon myself. they care, but me running away from them and pushing them away is whats fucking me up, not their feelings. its my constant fucking need for some

attention that brings me down, that drives me to ruin myself. im so self-aware yet so willing to let myself back into these toxic tendencies, so willing to watch myself shrink into complete despair as i loose everything and everyone around me. its me whos ruining this for myself

i get that making this thread only manifests what im bashing myself for but i guess i needed to say it somehow considering i cut everyone off. and i regret it. oh how i wish that i could just wake up and be in december, when the basement was blooming and i was simply myself, and

not some persona that screwed up everything to be able to be likable. but at the same time, i gotta keep my chin up and keep going, because what happened in the past wont ever be changed. and as hard as it is to accept that, i have to move on and start fresh