Business Bullshit: An A-Z to get you through the dark days

Action (n.): something to be avoided in a meeting at all costs, except when suggesting on behalf of another department - e.g. "that's an action point for Geoff in Finance"

Best practice (n.): opinion disguised as evidence, usually in the shape of an HR policy - e.g. "competency-based questions are best-practice for our recruitment workflow"

Cascade (v.): a hierarchical process in which business speak is disseminated, the extent to which leaders feel validated by starting the flow is usually matched only by the disregard felt by the final recipients

Deliverable (n.): an agreed outcome, inescapable unless cleverly worded

Engagement (n.): the art of creating the illusion of emotional involvement in market exchange

Facetime (n; v.): the idea that seeing a colleague in person renders their other forms of communication more tolerable

Going forward: Henceforth, but with the erroneous implication that organisational change is necessarily progressive

Iterative (adj.): in theory, the idea that changes are implemented in the simplest way possible, with complexity added progressively. In practice, an acknowledgement that changes are implemented without due attention to detail and are thus subject to endless further change.

Journey (n; v.): over-dramatic alternative to "transaction", in which a simple exchange becomes an operatic odyssey - e.g. "we need to visualise our customer journey" "I can see it from here, she's left without buying anything."

Key (Adj.): when applied to a "performance indicator" or "metric", something that only a "dashboard" could possibly comprehend

Lean-In (v.): something done by "engaged" "self-starters" in the face of patriarchal organisational structures, usually to little effect as evidenced by extensive gender and class pay gaps

Matrix (n.): form of organising in which everything is projectified around conflicting short-term agendas, rendering staff precarious and confused

No email: the idea that email is a problem, to be solved by an alternative form of online communication, resulting in exponential increase in messages

Offline (adj.): alternative way of saying "later" or "never" or signalling "I don't know" - e.g. "let's discuss that question offline, Anna"

Pivot (v.): strategic gloss to a hasty or messy retreat - e.g. "Napoleon Announces Pivot to 'Invade Russia Strategy'"

Quality (n; adj.): employed as misdirection for truly existing corporate strategy which more traditionally focuses relentlessly on quantity

Resources: disguised costs, sometimes in human form, hence the hiding-in-plain-sight "Human Resources Division"