Hello, I have been a very sad Ghost this year. I just want to talk about my experience as hopefully an empowering experience, and so I may help someone.

My family has a history of depression and anxiety. This is not a lottery I am happy I won if that is not obvious.

I used to feel very at peace with my depression. I believed everything happened for a reason and that I was being made better for it and that things would all be clear.

Things have not been clear this year. I have been miserable for reasons I don’t understand and intensely suicidal in dark moments scattered across the year.

As I said, I used to be at peace with my depression. Lately, I have felt very upset. I do not believe depression creates better artists, feelers, or thinkers. Depression often destroys people.

I love the sentiment of looking for the bright side and believe deeply in its merit, but I feel that many times there isn’t a happy ending, and it’s something we tell ourselves to hide from ugly truths.

Depression is Awful.

It’s different for everyone and different for me everyday. I feel at war with my mind and the simple act of getting out of bed is harder than any exam or performance I have had all year.

The reason I am depressed is not because of some cosmic beauty in the universe planning ahead for my betterment. It is because I have a genetic predisposition for it and I’ve developed unhealthy habits.

I hate the stereotype of the “tortured genius.” It’s this idea that artists like Van Gogh were motivated and capable of their genius because of their misery. This is not true.

Depressed artists do not make art. I’m not greatly inspired, I can’t get out of bed.

Art is something I will never understand, but it has an incredible power to turn pain into beauty. I do believe in this. This does not mean, however, depressed artists or thinkers have an advantage.

Everyday is harder because of depression. Everything I try to do is harder because of depression. Depression robs me of the ability to feel happy doing what I love. I will spend the rest of my life trying to understand what parts of my brain are me and what parts are depression.

I am aware a lot of these things are not a reflection of reality and I want to emphasize that my experience is not universal. This writing is to reflect how I feel and I want to share honestly the emotions I’ve felt.

Depression is not always just sadness though. I have had wonderful moments with people I love. With @azureailure and @ParkerOnMe and @mccrdall and @cmottishaw. I love these people dearly and will remember this year with them forever.

I have had incredible highs and fits of laughter. I have had so much fun. Depression sometimes doesn’t effect me, and sometimes it’s just a general heaviness rather than a sadness.

My goal now is to come to peace with my head. I want to stop resenting myself for my mental illness and learn to accept who I am as I am.

I am a musician, and my job is to tear something I love to pieces because I love it so dearly I must try my damndest to make it the best I can make it.

My mind will always be my greatest project, as I love learning and growing and making memories with those I love. So why must I continue to resent a part of me?

I do not have answers.

And honestly if I could get rid of my depression I would, I am not happy I have it.

But I know everything will be okay.

There are people I love and people who love me. There is music to hear. There are new hobbies to try. There is so much shit to do and I will play in all of it like a child on this earth until it strikes me down.

This thread had no clear narrative or conclusion. I hope someone may feel better knowing they are not alone.

I am fighting for it and I know things will get better. I promise things will get better for you too.