one thing i have learned and come to terms with over the years is things that seem to have nothing to do with trauma can actually be linked to it. the inability to make certain reactions stop becomes extremely grating

and no matter what methodology is taken, therapy, medication, severing ties with people that make it flare up, it still doesn't stop. a lot of these things have been nothing but harmful for me. it's left me in isolation and convinced it's "healthy" to do everything alone

eventually, entropy kicks in, and that mentality breaks. you begin to reach out to the people you cut out a long time ago. and you do it over and over and over. but nothing changes. because the right thing to do was to become strong and do it alone.

either that, or certain people were actually harmful in some way, and it's good to learn to see that. but then what are you left with? learning to build from the ground up. no support, no relationships, no bonds. and the bonds left are wearing thin. this is supposed to be healthy

they say that it is best to learn to love yourself, and learn to be single, before putting yourself out there. this is also supposed to be healthy. having no one to trust and be vulnerable with, taking it on alone. it isn't.

it isn't fucking normal, it isn't okay, it is debilitating to the ability to have basic conversations and not question if everything you said was normal, because there is no gauge for what a normal interaction is anymore. because it's not being exercised.

most of the time i have spent in isolation throughout my life only served to reinforce this feeling, and perpetuates it, because it drives others away. so you learn real fast how to engage in behaviors that others like, such as becoming funny or cheerful

while learning that vulnerability is bad and wrong, because it's shameful and embarrassing, or will become minimized or a weapon to be used against the psyche. "who fucking cares?" well i don't first. because that's "healthy", and "strong"