This is my Fast and Furious franchise live tweet thread. Mute it if you dont want this mess on your TL.

I'm currently 2/5ths through Fast 5.

Aight so the team is gathered for "one last job" (there are 4 more movies after this). They have the whole series cast, minus the white dude from Drift and the... dead one. Plus the Rock is here so.

They're gunna rob this Rio bad guy but the first hit they do, they burn a bunch of money? WHY.

you can take it and the effect is the same. and you have like, a mil. they're trying to steal 11 mil from the bad guy and they just BURNED A MIL to send a message? cmon.

so dude is putting all of his money in a central location. plot twist, it's a police station.

meanwhile Ze Rock is on their tail. bis team is definitely going to nab evidence against the big bad and tie this up nicely at the end.

Tyrese is a joke character and it's horribly uncomfortable. full of stereotypes and Black jokes. gunna delete some scenes from my memory.

apparently Luda knows safes like he was in Ocean's.

I'm curious as to when we're going to get another car scene. the movie has turned into- pop, they just got to it. they need to go get fast cars for... some reason idfk. it's a good excuse for the boys to go race.

male gaze to the max at these race tracks.

NO RACE?! wow.

they're trying to outrun the pacing of some cameras. looks like Wonder Woman is going to take it on. she's got the hots for Han and vice versa. cute couple.

4 of them are racing cop cars down the street. idk how we got here.

hey everyone it's the night before the job. let's toast to FAMBLY.

someone's gunna die.

aaand they all got arrested after the beeg boiz punched it out.

SURPRISE. ROCKET LAUNCHER.

bad guy wants to kill everyone at THEE most convenient time.

the Rock's men. they're the ones dying.

but the FAMBLING saves The Rock!

bro-shake between beeg boiz.

now kees.

o shit, Vince got hit! he had come back and got redemption just to be shot down in honorable battle.

ya know, there's a really weird relationship everyone has with Dom. he makes all the decisions and all the plans, and everyone wants his validation. he just says things.

dude just died and Dom is like "we go on". everyone thinks he's wrong, cuz he is, but they're gunna go along with him. cuz he's the MCest MC.

THE ROCK IS IN?!?!?! revenge for his fallen brudders.

now everyone else is in, cuz if Dom is gonna do it then everyone else has to duh

so, this bad guy is super generic. very boring. kinda racist in characterization. but this movie is likely the exact half and half between car go fast and crime fambly adventures, so no element of the movie has had time to flesh itself out.

as I writer I very often imagine someone pitching the movie to a board or whatever, highlighting all the "hit moments".

"And then, THE ROCK JOINS UP while everyone else is hesitant. because they may have been enemies, but The Rock knows fambly."

"When do we start filming."

our OG MCs are both driving cars tethered to a safe, which they are using as a weapon to crush other cars.

I'm worried about how much this infrastructure rebuilding is gunna cost, and if the team is going to cover it. the citizens of this city did nothing wrong.

I heard that they develop technomancy at some point in this series, so my head canon is that this is where it begins to awaken.

in the dual-chained vault drive attack sequence.

DOM TRIES TO SACRIFICE HIMSELF EVERY. SINGLE. FILM.

this was always the plan. to single handedly string this vault into oncoming traffic, taking out 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 now, cop cars.

10.

11, and that one had a turret on top.

OMG O'CONNOR CAME BACK FOR HIM.

bros before... prison.

now is the rock going to let them go or.... nope! "you have 24 hours."

this is going to be the plot for the next movie isnt it.

alright I got enough time for fast 6.

the synopsys for this one is that they're going to hunt down an organization of lethal drivers to stop them from stealing a too secret weapon.

I'm ready, Moneypenny.

aight so 6 begins O'Connor's kid being born.

sidebar: I really liked Vin Diesel in the Riddick movies. I'm gunna watch those later.

the opening credits are a review of all of the orecious movies.

pretty necessary at this point.

oo the classic, "you dont have rights, I'm gonna beat the shit out of you cuz I'm a cop" joke.

Shaw is the bad guy in this, and from commercials for the new movies I know this is Jason Statham.

another couple million for another big name.

LETTY IS ALIVE!?!?! dun dun dunnnn.

probably has amnesia and is now on an international crime squad.

so, we must assemble THE SQUAD.

the team is back! I really wanna see some sick driving in this movie. back to the streets.

"why do I smell baby oil?" as the rock walks up is the best joke in all of these movies.

Shaw for full pardons all the way around. good deal. AND they get Letty.

so everyone can go home to... LA?!? Over all of these beautiful places in the world? LA ain't bad but it ain't Morroco.

wait so SHAW ISNT JASON STATHAM? is Jason's character this dude's brother? a recast? guess we'll see.

yo the racecar with the ramp to flip other cars while driving is siiiiick. that's the kind of thing a racing criminal should have.

the gang is definitely gunna lose here, but they dont have their custom cars. there's ABSOLUTELY going to be a scene where they get geared up before taking on team evil.

and O'Connor takes a dive! down for the count. gets winked at by Lady Driver too.

meanwhile, Dom is about to get tossed by Shaw imo. they all have to lose first so that we get that sweet sweet "so what do we do now" scene.

Letty shot Dom with NO hesitation.

Tyrese is scared and wants to quit, is being loud and obnoxious again. I could do without.

ANYWAY. Dom is taking the bullet out of his own body cuz he's a manly man.

"She's alive but she's gone" says white boy. I'm still betting amnesia.

YEP. confirmed.

the bad guys have pics of her with Dom and she's like "I don't remember him," and they just go "okay".

looks like they're doing a 1 on 1 from the good guy team to the bad guy team. they're probably shoot it that way later.

god the RACISM. no reason but to have British dude spout crap at Luda for not looking "baller" at a car show. can we not?

Luda bought all the cars and is makin racist dude take his shirt off and give eit to the rock. and the pants!

aight. didnt need to happen in the first place but they're strippin dude for all he's got (on to the watch now) so eh.

Dom is beatin ERRBODY up to find Letty.

Wonder Woman just stood through a hail of bullets to one shot a baddie. I like her and her mans.

Letty got ABSOLUTELY bodied. lady has mad skills!

my god these new cars are gorgeous. BRAGA IS HERE?!?! they're bringing hella movies together. tryna keep the cohesion.

so O'Connor goes into prison in LA to talk to Braga, and Braga just tells him everything he wants!

Shaw goes to kill Letty even though Shaw is the head of a crime org and not a goon? Finds her with amnesia and thinks, "she should be on my team."

okay.

o look at the time! time for more maximum male gaze street racing.

Dom is giving Letty the "fuck me" eyes dear god.

racing is their love language

okay they're recounting scar stories together cuz she doesnt remember where she got them and it's getting HOT. IN. HERE.

someone tell me where I got my scars 3 inches away from my face and see what happens.

Shaw showing up rn is PERFECT. we go from hetero horny to adversary horny.

"My code? Precision." Yes, good, yes.

aight so the BETRAYAL. I really liked her too. I forget what other movie she was in.

also that tank scene? yes. quite furious.

@JeremyECrawford IT'S THE RUNWAY SCENE. They're about half a city down this runway and I have a feeling that we have at least 7 more minutes of it to go.

FLYING. HEADBUTT.

FLYING. HEADBUTT.

DOM USED FLYING HEADBUTT.

IT WAS, SURPRISINGLY, SUPER EFFECTIVE.

omg it's team BEEG BOIZ vs team British BEEG BOIZ

the big british boy is so sweaty. so so sweaty. he's the most realistic person in this whole series.

DID SHE JUST GET HARPOONED OFF THE AIRPLANE?!

ALSHDYRSLSKSHDKDBDSM

ARE YOU KIDDING MEEEEEEEEEE

THE CUTE COUPLE WAS GOING TO SETTLE DOWN AND WONDER WOMAN SACRIFICES HERSELF FOR OUR CHIP EATING SOFT BOY

HE THREW THAT MFER INTO THE GODDAMN TURBINE. LIKE HE DESERVES.

Dom is staying on the plane. it is definitely taking off. this runway STKLL hasn't ended.

NOPE THEYRE PULLING THE PLANE INTO THE GROUND. IT'S EXPLODING.

this fucking movie.

HE DROVE OUT THE FRONT OF THE EXPLODING PLANE WITH A CAR.

who could've expected otherwise.

I knew I was gunna like this one.

mad that WW sacked herself tho.

...

Dom is ACTUALLY walking out of the flames of the wrecked car / plane to heroic music to meet his amnesia girlfriend.

and he has the secret government chip in hand. day, saved.

everyone asking where WW is.

dead.

her body is about 3 states back on this runway that they have finally found the end of.

so they got amnesty and the house back.

our soft boy is soooo sad now. this wasnt worth it.

Letty still doesnt have her memory back, but she's chillin. best it gets I guess.

maybe it'll rush back when she mindmelds with her ride in Fast 11: NitroLink

aight I'm going to sleep. tomorrow evening it's on to Fast 7.

OH WAIT IS THIS TOKYO DRIFT PRE CREDITS!?!?!

WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT.

JASON STATHAM IS HERE. HAS TO BE SHAW'S BROTHER GETTING REVENGE.

they killed soft boy.

0/10 movie sucks.

OKAY. Time for Furious 7.

Before I even start, the description says "one last ride".

Then this movie made *googles* 1.516 BILLION DOLLARS. Last my ass.

also note that this is the extended edition so they probably patched whatever holes were left by the untimely death of Paul Walker.

opening credits. Tony Jaa is in this movie?!? I have no idea what I'm in store for here.

so they're at Race Wars, which Dom and Letty created apparently. and the booty shots are in the thousands.

Letty is havin a PTSD breakdown from being in a crowd.

JACK IS SO CUTE. he looks like he's 2 or so.

o shit did Letty go to her own gravestone

she's leaving to find herself.

I can never get caught up in the dialogue cuz it's soooooo bland.

HOBBS MEETS SHAW.

they don't know it now but they're gunna be besties later.

...after they talk through the ass whoopin they just gave each other. Hobbs should be dead as hell but, movies.

THEY HAVIN ANOTHER KID!??! AND SUE DIDNT TELL HIM YET? Y'ALL AINT PLAN THIS SHIT OUT TOGETHER? cmonnah.

all the setup is goin down so far. dialogue is booooring. pregnant, promises, TOKYO. let's go tokyo.

Han was best boi. now we're stuck with mr potato head, blondie, and- oop car chase. I'm back in.

they just, drove straight into each other. neither of them are hurt at all. at least 60 mph to an instant halt, cars decimated. not a scratch on em.

wait WHO DIS?!?

Mr. Nobody... really?

so we went from revenge flick to James Bond.

a terrorist kidnaps a super hacker who made the classic movie tech, a device that hacks literally anything ever ever.

so they want Dom to do what?

get the God's Eye, hunt down Shaw, kill em.

damn. 1.516 billion in the box office.

Tyrese stepped up to lead as a whole joke but then pulls it off.

At some point two movies or so ago, Luda became a computer/engineering genius who can make future tech and shit. I'm about it.

Letty is back! That was quick.

the suspension of disbelief that everyone buys into so easily is that Dom knows how to do literally anything.

he jumping headbutt a dude into another dude.

that was last movie I think.

now they're driving in the sky. literally. driving in the sky.

if their cars ended up transforming into a megazord I wouldn't be surprised.

oh god tyrese is the butt of the joke again.

they airdropped the cars from a plane and- welp tyrese is just spinning around on his parachute, being left behind from the mission.

so that whole thing was just to take him from being useful down to being a jester again.

1.5 billion.

it's the van from Speed Racer with all the guns on it! nostalgic.

O'Connor is using his FBI skills to beat the crap outta everybody.

Ramsey is a GIiiRrlLLl, what a twist!

Shaw is here for some reason. no idea why.

a bad guy could've just pushed O'Connor off the bus to an immediate death, but chose to pull him in for a fight sequence instead.

for the cardio, you see.

car chase.

what am I gunna eat for dinner?

WAIT THE DUDE O'CONNOR IS FIGHTING IS TONY JAA.

blondie woulda got clapped up if not for plot ARMOR.

heh.

Letty with the save! That was sick.

Them doing slomo for our Black terrorist getting out of the car looks tacky but hey.

I really like this actor but I forget his name.

Dom drove off a cliff. on purpose. they're tumbling to their death.

he wont have a scratch on em.

Oh I recognize Ramsey now.

DRACARIS.

hacker trusts them because LIFE IS BINARY YOURE NOT AFRAID OF EACH OTHER SO YOU MUST BE LOYAL GOOD GUYS, ALSO TYRESE IS A JOKE(R).

1.5 mil dialogue

They're calling hacker girl "that" and "it" calling dibs and bein nasty as hell. of course it's the Black dudes.

why this movie extra racist

alright so we're in Jordan and everyone is dressed snazzy cuz they have to steal the goober from someone who bought it so they can use it to find Shaw while avoiding the terrorist who wants the goober.

okay. I know where we're at.

Ronda Rousey is a personal guard to this prince so there's def going to be a hand to hand scene in a sec.

the director of the series is SO into ass shots. like, absurdly.

oh hey T-Pain!

the chip is in a giga expensive car.

they've absolutely got to steal it.

Dom is deadlifting the car.

Oh fight scene time!

Tej is doing the hacker speak.

"Nononononono! We're getting locked out of the system!"

loooooool

so the director REALLY likes these shots where a character falls from upright to the floor, and the camera twists on its axis to follow. and they use this Matrix sound effect while it happens to add to the dynamic movement.

they used it earlier when the rock fell off a couch.

so Dom said, "Time to unleash the beast," before driving the car out the window of a building, flying through the air into another building, and then doing it again.

Imma eat my sandwich.

they are now looking for Shaw, but he was just at the party they were at. and he was there when they saved Ramsey. they could sit in an open parking lot and dude would show up in half an hour.

they went for Shaw but he teamed up with terrorist! surprise surprise

Tony Jaa shot Mr. Nobody (still cant believe that's this dude's name). its kinda hard to see what's going on.

we're 3/4s through this movie and Paul Walker footage must be running out. how are they gunna make this work.

so they lost the fight. Nobody says they're gunna come for Ramsey so the team decides we're fighting on the streets of LA!

O'Connor calls his wife and she's like "HEY YOU CANT DIE IM PREGNANT WITH YOUR DAUGHTER."

and then Paul Walker dies irl. that's sad af.

Dom pulls the cover off of his original car from 1, the cursed one.

metal music plays in the background.

alphas around the world nut simultaneously.

oh we get All American O'Connor's suit up AND Shaw's "that's a fuck ton of grenades" scene.

this is gunna be somethin.

so the plan is to hack the hacker's virus! but they have to stay within 2 miles of them without being killed, so they have to keep driving.

what a perfect set up for this band of charming misfits.

so perfect that they made 1.5 BILLLION on this movie.

how did I miss the hype.

least believable thing in this movie isnt the chip that hacks anything instantly everywhere forever. it's clear traffic in LA at 7pm.