A few days ago I sat down and did the work. I know this sounds egotistical, but I truly believe I have compiled more evidence than any article out there. Yes, Anthony Cuomo pierced his nips. Here’s how I can be so sure:

Some people have tried to suggest it’s hair (as if nip follicles with that girth is more believable), areola bumps (four on each nip??? Across from one another???), nip tape (why would he need this for a press conference???), suspenders (UNDER a polo?).

Others suggest a bulletproof vest, to which I ask you to show me a single version that has straps directly on the nips and shows no lumps or bumps around the collar or shoulders. I can’t find one.

My only hesitation in immediately declaring them a piercing is that they’re kinda...droopy? Most double barrel nip piercings don’t look this droopy. I know because I spent a LOT of time looking at them in my research.

Most double barrel nip piercings look like this. Things are perky and even. Everyone, flesh and metal alike, is standing at attention.

See what I mean? It just doesn’t quite match up. Still, something told me to keep digging. So I googled and googled before turning to Instagram, plugging in any tag I could to show me anything to explain Cuomo’s nips.

That’s when I came across this man in the #doublenipplepiercings tag. Don’t you see????? Don’t you UNDERSTAND???

Of COURSE Cuomo wouldn’t have a perky nip piercing. He’s 62. Things sag! No one is exempt. 62 year old nips with long barbels look exactly like what he’s carrying.

Still, okay. What does it matter that Cuomo pierced his nips if we cannot establish a timeline and motivation.

It is really, really hard to find a picture of Andrew Cuomo shirtless. I couldn’t find a single picture of him without a shirt on. There are a ton of pictures of Chris Cuomo with his shirt off, though. And a wild amount of fitness GIFs.

What I DID find was this picture from 2016. Completely unpierced nips! Shout out to the human body for making nipples hard sometimes. It really helped this research along. Now...what happened between 2016 and 2020?

Cuomo and Sandra Lee split after 14 years of dating. And the stated reason why?

Have you ever dated someone fresh out of a sexless relationship? Or watched a friend date after years of sleeping in the same bed as someone who became a roommate? Those people never know how to handle themselves. And good for them. Life is short.

There you have it. Cuomo’s nips are pierced. After much discussion with some friends, it’s also been decided that he—like all politicians—is definitely a sub. A dom politician does not exist.

Please do not point out that I called him Anthony.

Please remember despite Cuomo's genuinely (confusingly) impressive crisis management, he is a huge part of the current ecosystem that is slashing Medicaid and continued hospital closures. He is not someone to be revered. https://www.nytimes.com/2020/03/30/nyregion/coronavirus-hospitals-medicaid-budget.html

you guys need to stop @-ing the governor, he’s going to have me arrested and I don’t think I can get vyvanse in jail