So guys, I have a confession. I've never watched the Sam Raimi Spider-Man movies. I know they're classics so I feel like I kinda have a duty to watch them, and OBVIOUSLY I wanna regale you guys with my opinions, but I'm not entirely sure how to approach this -R

well all righty then, this is gonna be an experience - gimme a bit to get settled

Well, the soundtrack is already very nice - kinda spooky and tense for a superhero movie but I'm not complaining

ooooh that opening CGI though, oof

"This story, like any story worth telling, is about a girl." good attitude, Pete, but the MCU would disagree

watching all these visibly adult 20somethings play out painfully awkward and very realistic high school stupidity is giving me the weirdest brain-pain

okay MJ awkwardly modeling "candid" shots with the sciency stuff is very funny

aww, uncle ben and aunt may have such a sweet dynamic, but this is also an uncomfortably realistic look at the difficulties elderly people face when forced to re-enter the workforce

people should really stop cutting people's funding. the only thing more dangerous than a mad scientist is a mad scientist about to lose their funding who resorts to testing their dangerous experiments on themselves

wait, MJ is literally The Girl Next Door? Their bedrooms face each other?? Her curtains are totally sheer??? is that kinda weird or am I just being weird

spidey-sense is the best wingman a suddenly-buff teenage boy could ask for

oooooooooo the awkwardness oooooo end it AUGH NO BIO-WEB WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT

okay I kinda dig how peter winning a school fight with flash isn't actually being played like a heroic thing to do - only Harry thinks it's cool, which is also a nice bit of villain-shadowing

I always wondered how the wall-crawling thing worked through his shoes. How does he stick through the soles? Is he just relying on friction and letting his hands do most of the sticking?

"Go web! Up up and away web! Shazam!"

awwww sweet soul-baring conversation about future college plans, I can almost forget these are two grown-ass adults

oh man, and just that little transition from MJ being soft and sweet with Peter and then turning on the high-pitched "OMG SICK CAR" vibe with Flash - such a good indication of who she feels she can be genuine around

"Remember: with great power comes great responsibility."

Instant conflict just add "you're not my real dad"

These are some VERY aggressive wrestling cheerleaders

"That's a cute outfit! Did your husband give it to you?"

Oh, Peter. Don't you know that pettiness is unheroic and subject to instantaneous karmic punishment? I hope you've learned your lesson

this first nighttime chase is so good, especially how you can see the beginnings of his iconic maneuvers coming through in his furious movements, culminating in his first real web-swing

oooo so CREEPY, horror-movieing the carjacker through this spooky abandoned warehouse

ah, the old self-disposing bad guy manuever, always accidentally falling out of buildings so the heroes don't need to compromise their morals

Aw, Norman is so supportive! Sure hope nothing happens to spoil this beautiful friendship

this spider-man montage really only works because these civilian reactions are EXTREMELY new york

J JONAH JAMESON IS HERE

Awwwww and this conversation where Peter tells MJ not to be ashamed of waiting tables and they commiserate over Harry kind of living in his own little classist world? Flawless characterization

aww JJJ is so supportive in his own dickhead way and I am one hundred percent down with it

rule #1205072 of fiction: nothing good ever happens at a parade

hey look it's stan lee

who even builds these cartoonishly huge wine glass pyramids people are always getting thrown through?

HA okay MJ and spidey interrupting that random couple having a Beautiful Moment in that lovely roof garden was hiLARious

oh no, my Eccentric Rich Person Mask Collection has finally shattered my mind!

"Slander is spoken. In print it's lible."

Listen I know JJJ is mean but he's just so dang hilarious and weirdly supportive of Peter that I love him anyway

"You and I are not so different!"

Solid point from Green Goblin, superhero fights are usually pretty high in collateral damage

"I'd better run, Tiger."

oh boy upside-down smooch time - honestly while the smooch itself is romantic, so is the part where she willingly doesn't raise the mask further AND where he doesn't have to tell her not to

wouldn't it be awkward if there was a crisis and spidey swung by and the crowd was like "SAVE THEM SPIDER-MAN" but he was just coming through the neighborhood for like a sandwich or something

"It's YOU who's out, Gobbie - out of your MIND!"

"How did you say that happened?"
"…Bike messenger."

Ah yes, I love that tense scene where the green-themed villain puts together Spider-Man's true identity while they're both unmasked at a social gathering - so tense

peter I know you're having a good time talking to MJ about an imaginary conversation you had with spider-man but please focus on the fact that green goblin knows who you are and everyone you love is at risk

Aunt May lives for three things: wise anecdotes, emotional support, and shipping the ever-loving shit out of Peter and MJ

okay I gotta respect that "oh, Peter, everyone already KNOWS how you feel about MJ cuz it's SO OBVIOUS" is actually used as a dramatic catalyst for the finale - cuz if EVERYONE knows, GOBLIN knows

Green Goblin is almost distractingly self-aware. I've never seen a villain monologue actively call itself out as a sadistic choice before

wow it's so nice that the entire population of Movie Brooklyn assembled on this bridge to throw stuff at goblin and yell "YOU MESS WIT' ONE OF US YOU MESS WIT' AWL OF US"

I feel like you don't need to keep calling him "Mister Osborn" now that he's tried to kill everyone you love

"I have a father. His name was Ben Parker."

Peter Parker concludes the only way to save his loved ones from the dangers of his lifestyle is to practice Responsible Social Distancing. Be like Peter Parker. Wash your hands.

"I will always be your friend."

*real-time fandub voice*
"I'd like to be in the friendzone! I'd like friends!"
"It's not as pleasant as you'd think."

IS THIS GODDAMN NICKELBACK

And now there's RAPPING?!

oh thank fuck, classic spider-man theme time

okay I need a quick break before I start in on Spider-Man 2: The One Everyone Uses As A Gold Standard, brb

ooooo, comic-style illustrations of original movie as a quick recap over the credits! gorgeously stylized, very nice

oh hey it's movie admiral zhao and he's running a new york pizzeria now

Who the heck is ordering deep dish pizza in NYC? unrealistic

goddammit everything about this dumb pizza-delivering opening is KILLING ME and they have the audacity to end with an overly-long MOPS FALLING OUT OF THE CLOSET GAG and it's WORKING what is HAPPENING

and they give us JJJ before the 10-minute mark, they know what we're here for

I see they stopped dying Harry's hair red for this movie

god, harry, get over it already, so spider-man killed your dad, who HASN'T lost a father figure or two in these movies

oh no may you can't just pivot from sweet kindness to weeping tragedy in ONE SENTENCE you're gonna kill me

oh cool MJ way to rub salt in the wound with "yeah I'm seeing someone :) he's my boyfriend :)) he keeps me company :))) maybe more than that :)))) how does that make you feel peter :))))))) anyway bye :)))))))))))"

I don't particularly enjoy how this movie is making me feel right now, but I respect the skill with which it's pulling it off

Both this movie and the last one do something a little weird with the timescale… sometimes it's hard to tell how long things are supposed to be taking until one of the characters loudly exclaims "gee isn't it neat how we've been at this for NINETY MINUTES"

aw man, doc ock and his wife are so sweet together, sure hope nothing goes catastrophically wrong in twooooooo minutes

I love the nonchalance of new yorkers in this movie. Some dude backflips off his vespa in the middle of traffic and narrowly avoids being hit by a car? Yeah he probably just eats his green vegetables

sorry peter, didn't you know that "failure to resolve your romantic subplots" is a karmically punishable offense? enjoy being muggled until you get your stuff in order

pete, seriously, just play the "my vespa got crushed by a car" card, it's not even a lie and she can't give you shit for that

Doc Ock's tentacle rig looks REALLY GOOD and his acting during the connection scene is ALSO REALLY GOOD

"luckily I developed this single inhibitor chip to keep me from turning into a supervillain, it's extremely sturdy and definitely won't get burned out in twoooooo minutes"

oh no there goes the wife, oh no there goes the chip, oh no there goes The Power Of The Sun In The Palm Of My Hand

"I'm ruined. I have nothing left… except Spider-Man."
"He saved your life, sir."
"He humiliated me by touching me." *puts on sunglasses*

…so harry got all the acting sucked out of him in that explosion

scuse me doctor but I don't think that buzzsaw is sterile

wow, doc ock made the leap from "kindly scientist" to "horror movie villain" in record time and I honestly love it

"Guy named Otto Octavius winds up with eight limbs. Ha! What are the odds?" ah beans he's become self-aware

Gotta say, Doc Ock's plan is a little wack, but it does make sense that the tentacle AI would be single-mindedly obsessed with completing the project it was built for.