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Since it’s national bipolar day, I wanted to share how I got diagnosed:
trigger warnings for self harm, drug use and suicidal thoughts
trigger warnings for self harm, drug use and suicidal thoughts
I started experiencing suicidal ideation when I was 10 and started to self harm in middle school up to my mid-teens. I knew something was wrong but my parents just believed I was dramatic and lazy.
I resorted to self medicating. I was a stoner in high school and would occasionally take xanax until I got addicted. Afterwards I started to spiral and abuse other pills, thankfully no hard drugs.
One night in 2017 I took it too far and smoked too much, to the point where I experienced cannabis induced psychosis. This was a very traumatic experience and I ended up getting hospitalized at a psych ward in which they diagnosed me as bipolar I.
After this, I became very paranoid and agoraphobic. It became harder for me to trust people, I always felt outside of myself and disconnected. It took such a heavy toll on me and destroyed many opportunities and relationships.
I thankfully got better and naively thought things would only continue to brighten up. I never expected another crash, I was riding that blissful high that comes with mania. But then I had another episode last August and again ended up hospitalized.
I was back at square one, but I’m one of the lucky ones. I had my best friend with me to hold my hand and my parents to watch over me. There are many people like me who end up homeless with no one to care for them, who don’t have healthcare, have no one to love them.
Living with bipolar disorder is excruciating, made even more so after coming off of a delusional, manic high. I wish people understood how lonely and terrifying it is. We’re not a stigma, we’re living with an illness that is life-long and out of our control.
