We have completed Bond Watch 2020 and as such I will bother you with my ranking of all 24 over the next few days bc uuuuhhhhhh wtf else is there to do. Mute the thread! Mute me! Drop me in a pool of piranhas for all I care!!

okay, the truly irredeemable:

24. DIE ANOTHER DAY— Why have Brosnan attempt Moore material when he’s... not charming or funny? I could peel my skin off from the secondhand embarrassment I feel watching Berry and Stephens. Painfully 2002. Madonna culpable! And I love Madonna!!

23. DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER— Bond’s first dive into camp is, on a scale of 1 to 10, somewhere around 16. There’s a miscalculation of tone that they’ll finally hit on the head in the mid 80s. Even granted the film’s a poor fit for Connery, he’s a contemptuous, wet blanket— not fun!

22. THUNDERBALL— It’s boring, y’all. Fiona Volpe *NOT* culpable.

21. TOMORROW NEVER DIES— What’s... less than forgettable? Nothing even makes a mark here. Michelle Yeoh shamefully wasted. And why would he just stand there and let that sea drill chew him up!! Fake news!!!

Bad But Watchable:

20. THE SPY WHO LOVED ME— Controversially low ranking, I know. The first of many loved by the masses that I just find to be fairly bland. On paper this one should be a campy blast but it’s somehow a stilted slog. Love the lair! Barbara Bach ABSOLUTELY culpable

19. MOONRAKER— I enjoy the first half of this quite a bit (pigeon double-take be damned), but then, you know, space and what have you. I’ve gotta say, Jaws’ actual time in these movies doesn’t quite live up to his status as a cultural icon. WHY did they do this to Shirley Bassey?

18. THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN— Give Lee a better movie! He’s giving a chilling performance that’s sadly surrounded by buffoonery. Nick Nack seems to be a joke everyone’s in on but me. Solex-Whatever the most yadda yadda yadda’d subplot of all time? Material is ripe for revisit.

(I love Moore’s Bond, as the rest of this list will show— I just think the mid-late 70s were a wild time to be trying to keep a franchise started in ‘62 afloat and resulted in some questionable, by-the-seat-of-their-pants decision making)

17. QUANTUM OF SOLACE— Look, the handheld and quick cutting is just Not My Bond. This one improves with repeated viewings and Amalric is underrated, but overall the writer’s strike really did a number on it. Still it’s a credit to Craig that the emotional beats mostly land.

16. LICENCE TO KILL— Kind of sleazy, weird misfire, w/ Dalton somehow less assured than his first go. The drug war is an awkward fit for Bond, and the way they ape Spielberg’s shtick with that 4 tanker finale... well, Steve sure comes out looking great. Pretty joyless.

HOWEVER young Benicio Del Toro......... let’s just say.. not culpable

15. SPECTRE— Lifeless action, lousy score, obvious casting, clunky fan service, and a final act that shits the bed like nothing you’ve ever seen. A sort of retrospective on the whole series no one asked for, but as a fan it’s enjoyable in a way. Not a great omen for NTTD, though.

okay, the Pretty Good Ones:

14. GOLDENEYE— A great revamp. Judi’s M is unimpeachable. I don’t visit this one often and always forget that it’s kinda bananas. The broad, comedic tone doesn’t jibe so much with the story, but overall it’s alive in a way it hasn’t been for a decade.

13. GOLDFINGER— Sacrilege, but the love for this must be linked to cultural impact more than the film itself. Staggering step down in artistry from its elegant and surprisingly assured predecessors. Nothing to complain about btwn Connery, Frobe, and Blackman. Really drags though.

12. THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH— An honest-to-god spy picture. The action suffers, but when’s the last time there was some real ambiguity to characters’ motivations in one of these? When’s the last time Bond had an exploitable weakness? Marceau is aces. *Certainly* has flaws.......

11. THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS— Listen, parts of this are more than a little boring, and it has major villain issues, but I just adore Dalton’s performance— you just want to watch him, and I actually believe Bond is falling in love here. I’m still uneasy around automatic sliding doors.

The Greats:

10. OCTOPUSSY

9. A VIEW TO A KILL

They share such a vibe, I’ll just discuss them together. For me, these much-maligned 80s Moore entries scratch a Saturday-Afternoon-on-TBS itch, which is a quintessential part of 007 and how so many people discovered the series...

Something connects with me as a gay person about these action movies where the machismo is all but thrown out— the hero is this droll, manicured man, the look is daring and flamboyant, the villains positively ooze charisma (and queerness). It’s camp, and it’s pitch-perfect.

8. DR. NO— It’s amazing how nearly everything’s in place from the jump. I always forget how assured and refined this is. Some great shot compositions. Not the most exciting entry of the bunch, but Connery’s an absolute babe and the production design of Dr. No’s lair... stunning!

7. SKYFALL— Look, this is an engrossing, exciting, gorgeous movie. I enjoy it, but it does feel like a step *so* far out of what the franchise has been. I think we’ll look back and see the fleshing out of these characters and their connected dramas— the whole mission statement..

..of the Craig era: making it personal— peaks about two thirds of the way into Skyfall, and by the end is already becoming a bit of a burden............... oh sorry, just thinking about a 163 minute long James Bond movie...

All Time Highs:

6. LIVE AND LET DIE— Trend jumping would become a crutch, but LALD shows a willingness to play ball. Bond in black turtleneck and leather gun holster? Okay! Bond smooching a black woman on screen? Yes!! Also features the single most WTF thing in a Bond film

5. ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE— How beautiful is this movie?? In the absence of a great lead performance, everything else that constitutes a Bond movie gets to shine, and it’s a credit to how solid the recipe is that this doesn’t feel at all like an outlier. Tracy Bond 4ever

4. CASINO ROYALE— if Die Another Day was an irresponsibly placed bag of heroin, Casino Royale is an adrenaline shot straight to the heart (you are Uma Thurman in this ill-conceived metaphor from 1994). It’s messy but it goes all the way off. Eva Green’s Vesper Lynd? The GOAT.

3. FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE— No shocker here. The most romantic of all the Bonds, for sure. As with TWINE, there’s such wonderful ambiguity—not everything is spelled out for you, and the more you watch the richer it becomes. Shaw? Electrifying. And when my two dads fight? Hooooo boy

2. YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE— template for all the less serious Bonds to come. It’s depictions of Asian people are often rooough, but visually it’s a love letter to Japan. Glorious production design, Barry’s best score, definitive Blofeld, a treasure trove of pop iconography. Just fun!

1. FOR YOUR EYES ONLY— the least remembered Bond movie is my absolute favorite Bond movie. Besides a slight preference for the more grounded plots, the clincher for me is how well they calibrate the movie to Moore. Just this once, they understood that he is a singular star, and..

..as such he can bring humor, charm, and levity in spades, meaning the movie around him doesn’t need to be working over time at those same goals. And the action absolutely kicks ass. Citroen chase? Killer. Bobsled chase? Heart-pumping. Mountain climbing? Heart-stopping! I love it

Thanks to those who followed along, you’re the real ones. And to the 6 ppl who unfollowed... You did what you had to do!! So excited to see No Time To Die next weekend, everything is fine!!!